My Vegan Journey

 I am in the middle of the 4th week of my vegan journey.  I am doing fine.  Watching tons of YouTube videos on podcasts and lectures as well as Netflix documentaries regarding the benefits of the low-fat, whole food plant, plant-based diet helps a lot in my motivation to stay on the course.  I notice some changes.  My poop is not as foul-smelling as it was.  My eyes are less blurry.  I have more energy.  My cravings for junk food are gone.    There are some setbacks also.  I could not partake in Costco or Sam's Club food samples.  My husband is not 100 percent into it.  He said I forced it to them.  I told him he could eat whatever he wanted but not expect me to cook meat for him.  My husband used to eat healthier than I did.  It did not occur to me that it would be more difficult for him.  I had him watch documentaries and listen to explanations of why the whole food vegan diet is better, but he still needs help.

A Bite of Your Salad

We had a big fight this evening.  The cause?  It's his refusal to allow me to have a bite of his cilantro lime chicken salad.  It might sound trivial (that's what he said), but it pushed my button.  I felt rejected and humiliated.  It solidified my belief that I married an ungenerous person.  A bite?  What kind of spouse would refuse to allow a taste?  Would 90 percent of adults allow someone they are intimate with to have a bite of their salad?  He said he was hungry.  He also said I'd already eaten and did not need to taste his salad because I had it before.  But it hurts.  I would give him more than a bite of my salad if he asked me to.  

I usually tell a tale of a husband (mine, of course) who is typically a cheapskate.  When we dated, I paid for dinners many times over, more than a woman should.  I paid for our plane tickets on our first trip together to the East Coast.  We stayed in my friend's apartment to save money.   To think of it, I always pay for our plane tickets.  The last time we traveled, we used our tax refund.  As a family, I spend about twice more than he does when we go out to eat as a family.  He seldom buys me flowers.  When he gives me jewelry, it's usually the cheaper ones.  Yes, I am easy.  

However, as I get older, I start to resent this.  Do I deserve better?  I work long hours. My dream of becoming a good mom is on the back burner due to my demanding work.    It's my paycheck that pays for our mortgage and health insurance.  He kept my stimulus money and the kids' also.  I do not ask for my share of the tax refund.  I feel like I am generous to him, but he is not.

To be fair, he does more of the share of child-rearing.  He does dishes more than me.  He feels resentment.  I have to remind him that if he wants me to be a typical housewife, he must have more than 1 job.  He sees this statement as criticism.  

I am ungrateful.  That must be the reason that I feel angry.  I see only the negative.  I said hurtful words in front of the children.  The more we argued, the more he felt sorry for himself, and I also felt sad about myself.  We are children.  

46-year-old

I am tired. I have no energy. Overweight. Sleep and exercise deficient. My marriage turned cold. I lost track of my goals and children's education and development. My house is in disarray. It seems like the only thing I do is work. I am pressured to be highly productive in my work. You see, I was furloughed for 2 weeks last May. I was the only one full-time physical therapist in that predicament because I was told I was the least efficient. I admit procrastination in completing the charting due to school work and my disdain of charting itself. I would rather talk to my patients than charting while at their home. I am burnt out. I graduated from my tDPT. I felt hopeful initially, but it quickly waned due to stress and demands that have nothing to do with physical therapy.

There are so many things I want to accomplish this coming year but I lack the energy to initiate.  I am overwhelmed.  

Nineteen years ago...

This is a repost with some grammatical corrections...

It was an awkward kiss that ended our brief wedding ceremony. We received polite congratulations from the Justice of the Peace and from our two good older friends who stood as our witnesses. Bringing out the color of his eyes, Jason looked regal in his new charcoal colored suit while I felt fat in my red printed silk dress. Taking at the moment, we took our time descending the marble steps of the old ornate building serving as a courthouse. The only sound in the lobby was the echo from our shoe heels hitting the hard marble floor. Outside was a gloriously sunny spring day. Breathing in the fresh fragrant air, Jason and I, together with our 2 friends ambled across the street to the parking lot. It was decided to go to Apple Bees to celebrate the occasion.

Flora

I had this premonition tonight that I might not have a reason to go back to Fort Dodge. Fort Dodge, the place where I started my life in the United States.  My first job.  My first apartment.  I met my husband there.  We got married there.  And I met Flora there.  I am not fond of the place itself.  It has no oriental store.  It has a mall that is slowly and painfully dying.  There is no Vietnamese restaurant.  But it holds a place in my heart.  Mainly because of Flora.  And I learned today, she passed away.  My heart is broken.  Flora, the lady who invited   me to church.  Who introduced me to pot roast and mashed potato dinners.  Who allowed me to use her car so I could get a driver's license.  Who invited me  to her family holiday get-togethers. Who treated me like a daughter. Who stood as a witness for me and my husband on our wedding day.   I knew someday that there is no reason to go back to Fort Dodge.  I never thought it would be this soon...

I am back

I plan to return to blogging.  Just an outlet for my thoughts.  My life is different now.  So much older.  But not really wiser.  I am now a mother of two.  A boy who's 6 and a girl who will be soon  16 month old.  I feel blessed.  I have a good husband.  A good home.  A good job.  The world has become more dangerous but I am not losing hope.  I still see bright future as long as presidency will stay on the Democratic side (Go Hillary!).  Oh well...Here I am again with my political rant.  I'll come back soon.

Big Jerk

This happened this morning....  I have not seen the patient or any of his family member.  I was scheduled to see this patient (for the first time) today.  It's after 9AM when I called...

Guy (I assume, a family member):  Hello.
Me:  Hello. My name is L.D.  I'm from Homecare Physical Therapy.  I'm scheduled to see Mr. JD today.  I would like to know if I could come to see him this afternoon?
Guy:  (Grumpy voice)  Scheduled to see him today?   The nurse will be here today.  You people call so much.  Everyone calls on the day of the visit instead of the night before.
Me:  I could see him another day if that would work better for you. 
Guy: (Angry voice)  Would you let me speak!?
S   I  L  E N  C  E
Me:  Go ahead..
Guy:  You need to talk to each other and not call us all the time.  We will just drop your agency and go to another agency.  What you're doing is harassment!
Me:  Oh my God! (in my brain: wow,  you're over-dramatic!)
Guy:  I would like to talk to your supervisor.  What is the number of your supervisor?
Me:  xxx-xxxx
Guy:  What is the suffix? 515?
Me:  Yes and you have to ask for...
And he hung up on me...

What an abusive jerk!   Unfortunately, my job involves dealing with these kind of people.