Isolation

It's a kid's world. Maybe I feel like that because I belong to the childless minority.

I have always been a minority, it seems. But I cannot get used to it. This year is tougher as motherhood continues to elude me.

We attended an early Christmas Party at a colleague's big, new house. There were tons of food (of course), bored spouses and jolly kids. It is a perennial occurrence and my feeling of strangeness persists. Well, aside from feeling awkward and clumsy because I always forget that the kids are the first ones to be served (duh?) and get the first option to choose where they sit which means lucky for us if we find a comfortable place to eat our dinner, most of the conversation were about these children as if they don't get enough recognition. It is perhaps an American way. Nothing wrong with that except that we, the childless minority, were left with this uncomfortable feeling that we don't belong in that gathering. We tried to penetrate their world but it seems like trekking a one-way road and you're going the opposite way. My husband, who is normally quiet and funny, tried his best to deliver his one-liners to no avail. Conversation which jumped from one topic to another without resolving the previous ones were repeatedly interrupted by the children's thumps and holler. After eating and house tour, there was nothing to do but go home. However, children continue to have fun playing and watching a movie. Men (except for my hubby who stayed by my side the whole evening, thank God!) were watching college football game in which the home team was losing terribly. We felt relieved getting out of that predicament. We are once again in our own childless world. "They need a karaoke there," I jokingly told my husband while driving home.

It is always like that each year. I don't even know why we bother to attend. I don't think our absence or presence will make any difference. It occurs to me that we will always find ourselves in that predicament if we stay childless. We will be an outcast for another 20 years in our own age group-- second citizens whom many people will probably feel sorry for. Our life will be treated as less important compared to those with children. The future will stop with us but those with children will continue to exist.

I don't really feel sorry for myself and my husband. I see it like this -- we are given time to know ourselves as an individual and as a couple and to pursue more interests. I am starting to learn how to knit and my husband is getting another degree. Most important of all, we are more appreciative of each other's presence.

Downtime

Anticipating my usual 2-day off work, Friday evening is usually my favorite time of the week. However, this week, I feel exhausted physically and emotionally. Aside from the fact that this is my weekend to work, I am feeling a deep sense of loss as the 2nd cycle of Clomid had not given us a result we are hoping for. Unlike the 1st cycle, I am feeling more pain physically. There is this constant cramping in my lower abdomen, which is bad enough for me to need to take pain medication to be able to function. It is difficult to care for others when I am not feeling too well myself. Compounding all these things is a nagging right eye allergy that is making it red, itchy and watery, bad enough that I had to apply cold compress at work. Also, I feel more disoriented which is not good because I have to drive to unfamiliar places this weekend to see patients. Are these side-effects of Clomid?

Normally, I, kind of, look forward to working the weekend as this is the only time that I can listen to weekend NPR (National Public Radio) programming while driving. I, particularly, love Car Talk, Wait, Wait. Don't Tell Me, Splendid Table, Travel with Rick Steve, This American Life and Prairie Home Companion. However, this weekend, I cannot enjoy any of it. I am feeling preoccupied by some random thoughts. All I want to do is to have a chai latte, lie down and blog, in that order.

The Cost

Treating Infertility is not cheap. Our insurance,I found out, covers only $15,000.00 lifetime max. It does not cover IVF. I got these info's from a book, A Few Good Eggs by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan.

Fertility Drugs: Expect to pay between $50 (for one cycle of Clomid, excluding doctor visits) to as much as $2,500 to 4,000 (for one cycle of gonadotropin injections, including doctor's visit.
Artificial Insemination: $250 to 750.
Sperm Wash: $150
Ovulation induction with artificial Insemination: $1,600.
In vitro fertilization: $7,000 to $15,000. The price excludes fertility drugs.
Intracytoplasmic sperm injection combined with IVF: $10,000 to $17,000.
Gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT): $7,000 to $15,000.
Zygote intrafallopian transfer (ZIFT): same as GIFT
Donor eggs: $10,000 to $50,000 and includes compensation to the egg donor as well as the egg retrieval and subsequent IVF.
Surrogates: $15,000 to $60,000 with the money going to the attorneys and agencies, as well as toward the surrogate's medical expenses.
Hysteroscopy: $350 to $600.
Laparoscopy: $3,000 to $10,000.

This could be in credit card commercial.

Follow up

I finished what I have to do this cycle. I am done for now with Clomid which I took day 5 to 9 of my cycle (I am glad it is covered by our insurance). Clomid is supposed to stimulate my ovaries to ovulate. It is the 1st line of defense (I think) because it is less potent and less expensive. It did not have any side effects on me. Maybe the dosage is not that much relatively speaking. It is 100 mg. Ovulation is expected in day 14 to 19 of the cycle. So, we have to see. Time for me to run to Wal Mart and buy another ovulation predictor kit.

I had my last blood draw for this cycle Saturday morning to check for FSH, Estradiol and Progesterone. I also had ultrasoud to count my egg reserve (I did not know they can do it). I have good reserve. I have not called the doctor's office for the result of my blood tests.

Amazing, what I am learning. Innocence lost for me!