My Vegan Journey

 I am in the middle of the 4th week of my vegan journey.  I am doing fine.  Watching tons of YouTube videos on podcasts and lectures as well as Netflix documentaries regarding the benefits of the low-fat, whole food plant, plant-based diet helps a lot in my motivation to stay on the course.  I notice some changes.  My poop is not as foul-smelling as it was.  My eyes are less blurry.  I have more energy.  My cravings for junk food are gone.    There are some setbacks also.  I could not partake in Costco or Sam's Club food samples.  My husband is not 100 percent into it.  He said I forced it to them.  I told him he could eat whatever he wanted but not expect me to cook meat for him.  My husband used to eat healthier than I did.  It did not occur to me that it would be more difficult for him.  I had him watch documentaries and listen to explanations of why the whole food vegan diet is better, but he still needs help.

A Bite of Your Salad

We had a big fight this evening.  The cause?  It's his refusal to allow me to have a bite of his cilantro lime chicken salad.  It might sound trivial (that's what he said), but it pushed my button.  I felt rejected and humiliated.  It solidified my belief that I married an ungenerous person.  A bite?  What kind of spouse would refuse to allow a taste?  Would 90 percent of adults allow someone they are intimate with to have a bite of their salad?  He said he was hungry.  He also said I'd already eaten and did not need to taste his salad because I had it before.  But it hurts.  I would give him more than a bite of my salad if he asked me to.  

I usually tell a tale of a husband (mine, of course) who is typically a cheapskate.  When we dated, I paid for dinners many times over, more than a woman should.  I paid for our plane tickets on our first trip together to the East Coast.  We stayed in my friend's apartment to save money.   To think of it, I always pay for our plane tickets.  The last time we traveled, we used our tax refund.  As a family, I spend about twice more than he does when we go out to eat as a family.  He seldom buys me flowers.  When he gives me jewelry, it's usually the cheaper ones.  Yes, I am easy.  

However, as I get older, I start to resent this.  Do I deserve better?  I work long hours. My dream of becoming a good mom is on the back burner due to my demanding work.    It's my paycheck that pays for our mortgage and health insurance.  He kept my stimulus money and the kids' also.  I do not ask for my share of the tax refund.  I feel like I am generous to him, but he is not.

To be fair, he does more of the share of child-rearing.  He does dishes more than me.  He feels resentment.  I have to remind him that if he wants me to be a typical housewife, he must have more than 1 job.  He sees this statement as criticism.  

I am ungrateful.  That must be the reason that I feel angry.  I see only the negative.  I said hurtful words in front of the children.  The more we argued, the more he felt sorry for himself, and I also felt sad about myself.  We are children.  

46-year-old

I am tired. I have no energy. Overweight. Sleep and exercise deficient. My marriage turned cold. I lost track of my goals and children's education and development. My house is in disarray. It seems like the only thing I do is work. I am pressured to be highly productive in my work. You see, I was furloughed for 2 weeks last May. I was the only one full-time physical therapist in that predicament because I was told I was the least efficient. I admit procrastination in completing the charting due to school work and my disdain of charting itself. I would rather talk to my patients than charting while at their home. I am burnt out. I graduated from my tDPT. I felt hopeful initially, but it quickly waned due to stress and demands that have nothing to do with physical therapy.

There are so many things I want to accomplish this coming year but I lack the energy to initiate.  I am overwhelmed.  

Nineteen years ago...

This is a repost with some grammatical corrections...

It was an awkward kiss that ended our brief wedding ceremony. We received polite congratulations from the Justice of the Peace and from our two good older friends who stood as our witnesses. Bringing out the color of his eyes, Jason looked regal in his new charcoal colored suit while I felt fat in my red printed silk dress. Taking at the moment, we took our time descending the marble steps of the old ornate building serving as a courthouse. The only sound in the lobby was the echo from our shoe heels hitting the hard marble floor. Outside was a gloriously sunny spring day. Breathing in the fresh fragrant air, Jason and I, together with our 2 friends ambled across the street to the parking lot. It was decided to go to Apple Bees to celebrate the occasion.

Flora

I had this premonition tonight that I might not have a reason to go back to Fort Dodge. Fort Dodge, the place where I started my life in the United States.  My first job.  My first apartment.  I met my husband there.  We got married there.  And I met Flora there.  I am not fond of the place itself.  It has no oriental store.  It has a mall that is slowly and painfully dying.  There is no Vietnamese restaurant.  But it holds a place in my heart.  Mainly because of Flora.  And I learned today, she passed away.  My heart is broken.  Flora, the lady who invited   me to church.  Who introduced me to pot roast and mashed potato dinners.  Who allowed me to use her car so I could get a driver's license.  Who invited me  to her family holiday get-togethers. Who treated me like a daughter. Who stood as a witness for me and my husband on our wedding day.   I knew someday that there is no reason to go back to Fort Dodge.  I never thought it would be this soon...

I am back

I plan to return to blogging.  Just an outlet for my thoughts.  My life is different now.  So much older.  But not really wiser.  I am now a mother of two.  A boy who's 6 and a girl who will be soon  16 month old.  I feel blessed.  I have a good husband.  A good home.  A good job.  The world has become more dangerous but I am not losing hope.  I still see bright future as long as presidency will stay on the Democratic side (Go Hillary!).  Oh well...Here I am again with my political rant.  I'll come back soon.

Big Jerk

This happened this morning....  I have not seen the patient or any of his family member.  I was scheduled to see this patient (for the first time) today.  It's after 9AM when I called...

Guy (I assume, a family member):  Hello.
Me:  Hello. My name is L.D.  I'm from Homecare Physical Therapy.  I'm scheduled to see Mr. JD today.  I would like to know if I could come to see him this afternoon?
Guy:  (Grumpy voice)  Scheduled to see him today?   The nurse will be here today.  You people call so much.  Everyone calls on the day of the visit instead of the night before.
Me:  I could see him another day if that would work better for you. 
Guy: (Angry voice)  Would you let me speak!?
S   I  L  E N  C  E
Me:  Go ahead..
Guy:  You need to talk to each other and not call us all the time.  We will just drop your agency and go to another agency.  What you're doing is harassment!
Me:  Oh my God! (in my brain: wow,  you're over-dramatic!)
Guy:  I would like to talk to your supervisor.  What is the number of your supervisor?
Me:  xxx-xxxx
Guy:  What is the suffix? 515?
Me:  Yes and you have to ask for...
And he hung up on me...

What an abusive jerk!   Unfortunately, my job involves dealing with these kind of people. 

First Day in America

What was your first day in your adopted country like?  This is mine...

My first day in America: It was April 10, 1997. Denton, TX. I was 23. I arrived with 8 other Filipinos to work as Physical Therapist. It was a rainy evening when we arrived. The coldest rain that I ever experienced. We stayed in a house that was the nicest house that I'd ever stayed in. I was impressed by the wall to wall carpet. The fireplace. Hot water from the faucet. The well-stocked pantry and refrigerator. Flavored rice. The 50 plus channels on TV. The almost empty street. And the American friendliness. After 2 months, I moved to Iowa. I was depressed at first because I felt like I was thrown in the middle of nowhere. My image of America prior to coming here was "big city" like New York or Chicago. I did not expect cornfields and small towns. I realized immediately the necessity of a car. I did not know how to drive. I was depressed for quite awhile but this place grew on me that when I returned to TX five years later, I missed Iowa so much that I decided to move back to stay. #firstdays

Home is where the heart is...

It's been a while since I posted.   New Year.  New perspective, hopefully.

Last summer, we visited the Philippines.  It was my first homecoming in 16 years.  We just stayed for about 8 days.  It was short but sweet.  I was reunited with my two younger sisters, cousins and old friends.  I was a tourist in my own country.  People saw me differently.  I am older.  Everyone called me ate which means big sister.   Sixteen years ago, most people called me miss or  anak meaning child.

Our time in the Philippines was overloaded with activities and sight seeing tours.  We stayed in hotels because our childhood home was under renovation.  Our town has changed.  When I left, it was primarily rural with ample farmland, no treated water, no phone line, no fast food chain except for Dunkin Donuts which was fairly new then.  Now, it is a city.  The sad part is the infrastructure has not kept up with the demand.  The traffic is horrendous.  It used to take us only 15 minutes from our house to the town center.  Now, at least an hour.

Despite the traffic, heat, unsafe driving and Manila, we thoroughly enjoyed our homecoming.  We went to Taal Volcano, Villa Escudero, Boracay, Mall of Asia and Fort Santiago.  My friend compared our trip to the reality show Amazing Race.  It was intense with very little down time. 

It was strange coming back after living for so long in the US.  I noticed the heat more, the pollution more, the humidity, the traffic, the poverty.  My heart breaks for homeless people especially the children and street vendors.  I cannot say no to people.  I gave generous tips.   I feel guilty for having such a good life.  I did not cry when I left the first time but I cried this time.   I promised to return, soon.

Upon return to the States, everything felt more luxurious.  The carpet.  The wide road with very little traffic.  The central air conditioning.  But I was hit by depression which lasted for quite a while. 

I was ready to move back to the Philippines.  I missed my friends and family.   I studied this possibility for quite a while.  Maybe, Jason can teach.  I could teach.  Benji must attend Chinese school so he could be ready for the world economy.  Despite these grandiose ideas, reality still prevailed.   It is not ideal to raise a family in the Philippines for so many reasons.    However,  my husband and I agreed that maybe in retirement, we'll spend each winter in the Philippines, if we could afford it. 

Last week, I told my 4 year old,  "Benji, if it is only good in the Philippines, we could go home now."  Benji replied "What are you saying mommy?  We're already home."  Wise words from the mouth of babe....  But part of my heart remains in the Philippines...

Taken in Boracay

I should not be writing about this but...

I cannot help myself.

This is the longest job I ever held in my life.  I jumped from one company to another in my earlier days.  I got tired of it.  That's the primary reason that  keeps me in my current job.

Logic says it's time for a change  but I just don't have the gut.  I work so long in this job that the only people that I could use as references are my current co-workers and boss.  They will not be happy with me leaving.  I know because one of my co-workers decided to leave after having a baby, my boss is not really that thrilled.

Why do I want to change?

1.  I am exposed to second hand smoking from clients.
2.  This is not an 8 hour job.  We have so many charting that working until late at night is very common.
3.  Vulnerability.  We enter stranger's home.
4.  No assistance available when patient is heavy lift...
5.  Driving during winters....
6.  Patient has more control of their time.  Many do not want to be seen certain times...during Price is Right, The Young and the Restless, etc...
7.  The price of gas....and cars....

Well at least I have a job....and it pays pretty well....  Someday, there will come a job that will be worth the change...We'll see.  Or just wait for retirement...

This and That..

It's been a while since I posted.  Lots of things happened but I've been so busy with my work, garden and home stuff that I just don't have time to update this blog.  Writing in English is very taxing to me.  My grammar is not perfect and my words are limited.  Anyway, I will do my best on updating this blog.

First about my mother.  I haven't seen her for about 3 weeks now.  Benji now goes to daycare since March. It's been good so far.  My mother is tired of taking care of Benji.  I used her for Mondays only but she works evening shifts and sleeps late so she feels tired.  My mother is in her second childhood to say it kindly because I believe she has not left her childhood.   She stays really late at night because of internet dating.  She planned to meet her online  English boyfriend in London last April but  it did not happened although she had a ticket bought already.  She had  cold feet 5 days before the trip.  She told the boyfriend that she had heart attack (a lie) and this poor guy was unable to get his refund.  She also bought a ticket to go back to the Philippine for last March but her oath taking to get her citizenship certificate was postponed a month so she was not able to get her US passport before the trip.  

She never calls me unless she needs something.  I call her pretty often but I felt so unsatisfied with conversation.  We just don't have things to talk about, at least positively.  Usual conversations are pretty shallow and she hides a lot of things from me.  I am just too tired to care.   She treats her children who are here in the US as her enemies and her children in the Philippines as her allies. She causes division.   She is not capable of thinking critically or maternally and it is very frustrating.

So much for that.  We almost forgot our 13th year of wedding anniversary.  It's been 13 years!  I cannot believe it.  I told my husband,"Enough of this craziness!"  He just laughed.  I laughed too.  Marriage is such a strange thing.  Life will never be good without him...  

We are definitely going back to the Philippines at the end of August.  It is my 1st in 16 years and  my husband's first time ever...  For him, first time ever out of the country.  I am very excited.  In a way, I will be a tourist in my own country too.  We were too poor to travel when I was young so I haven't been on places that we are planning to go such as Boracay and Villa Escudero.  I am busy researching and booking for our hotels and activities.  We will only be staying for 7 days but I am really filling it up with activities.  My plan is to have a get-together one evening for friends, neighbors, relatives and families.  I sent people e-mail regarding their availability and recommendation but no one has responded yet.   Oh well, it's just my Americanization of planning ahead that gets me.

I admit I have some anxiety on going back, on dealing with Manila's crime and traffic.  I am anticipating some demands from my relatives too.  I have an image of us being held hostage or capsized and lost in the sea.  My husband insist of doing our will prior to our trip.  Yup, we need an Ativan.  But the big part of me is just  excited.  I asked my husband if he's excited, he said it hasn't sunk in yet.  Okay "sunk", "sunken", and "sank" are not allowed in our vocabulary until we're done with the trip. 

I just want to post a picture that makes me happy and strong....

Expectations

When I was pregnant with Benji, I had high expectations.  He'll be smart, good looking, talented, etc.  All these high expectations went to pot immediately after he was born.  It's been tough these past 3 years.  Surviving is sometimes the only goal.  Don't get me wrong Benji is adorable but he's been a difficult toddler.  Right now, the only 2 things I want him to accomplish in his life (and I'll be the happiest mother) are reading and potty training.  Yes, I am an easy-to-please mother. 

I just want to share this video from Storycorps.  I wish, someday, Benji and I will have a conversation like this.  This video makes me cry.

 

 

 

 

 

Anti-Americanism

How to respond to anti-American comment?

I have a client from a Middle East country (I don't want to be specific) that is considered friendly to the US.  My client cannot speak any English but his brother has been vocal with his opinion.  He told me that he is rooting for North Korea.  He loves Korea.  He added that if China, Korea, Vietnam and all the Arab countries will have an alliance, they could bring down the US.  He does not like the US.

I don't know how to respond to this.  I cannot even fake a smile at all.

It is a mystery for me that a person can live in a country that he hates.  He has a choice and could go back to where he came from but why stay when you hate it so much?

I feel opposite of what he feels.  I am grateful to be in this country.  It gave me opportunity to move up socially.  I feel more loyalty to my adoptive country than my country of origin.  Many Filipinos will hate me due to this admission but that's the truth.  I don't root for the Philippine delegate in Ms. Universe.  I don't really root for anyone.  My opinion is  the reason they get to top 5 in recent years is due to economic reason.  It is well known (now) that Ms. Universe is very popular in the Philippines.  When I was living in the Philippines, life stopped during the live airing of Ms. Universe.  Filipinos love beauty contest.  Since Mr. Trump took over the organization, Filipinos get top spots.  Why?  Mr. Trump is no dummy.  He knows his audience.  He knows that pleasing his audience will keep them on watching  I don't  mean that Filipino women don't deserve to be in the top spots but the recent surge to the top is suspicious.  

I digress.  And I don't know how to end this posting.  But I learned that anti-Americanism is rampant even in its own backyard.   

Late winter posting

Many things happened since my last posting....

I started a Master degree online but after 3 days I decided to withdraw because it was not as flexible as I thought it would be.   I am a college dropout now...

Benji started going to daycare 6 hours a day for four days a week.  It went better than we thought.  He cried the second day but he did well overall  considering it's his first daycare experience ever.

I still have  good days and bad days at work.  I increased my hours and almost full-time now.   I am holding on to this demanding and at times frustrating  job because I am tired of job hopping...  And I love my patients.

My husband and I are doing well right now.  I understand that marriage is not easy and we have to be patient with each other.

My mother... well lots of things happened to her too.  I'll post next time...

The most recent movie that I love is Like Crazy.  Here's the trailer...

I love it because it vividly portrays young love and how distance and time changed these lovers and in the end eroded the closeness and familiarity.  It stays with me for quite a while.  I'm a sucker for sad but realistic movies.  The lead actors are adorable.  Jennifer Lawrence who won this year Oscar's Best Actress played a supporting role here.  Okay, it reminds me of my real life romance (with my husband) without the distance and other lovers, just the drama, haha.

Anyway, I hope to post more frequently.  I am planning to enroll in English Composition class this summer to improve my writing.  Wish me luck!

Lif out of control

Too busy at work, lately...
Dispute with my mother....
Marriage is just spiraling down out of control...
Mother-in-law and I had big political debate that did not end so well...Why didn't  I just let go?
I would like to just jump on a plane and just start a new life... but my life is just rooted too deeply here..
Oh well, everything will be fine...hopefully soon....

Do not let  the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.  Dalai Lama

39

I turned 39 years old last Thursday  I was planning to celebrate it with a good steak but instead I had my first ever bought sushi.  Okay, not actually sushi with raw fish but with imitation crab instead.  They call it california rolls.   I still think it's an improvement in my part.  I am so proud of myself because I did not gag on the fishy taste of nori.  I hate fishy taste and smell. However, I admire non-Japanese sushi eaters.  I see them as sophisticated and worldly.  I'll work on the raw fish before I turned 50,  I promised myself.   I would like to vary my diet and train my taste bud.

My goal is to be more active physically and socially.  I am shaken by the mass shooting in an elementary school in Connecticut that happened last Friday.  I, initially,  thought of my niece because my sister and her family live in Connecticut and there are not  many towns in that State.  I called my sister immediately upon hearing the news and she told me it was a town nearby.  My sister is upset.  This tragedy happened too close to her home.  I bet everyone is shaken when very young children were slaughtered in the very place that you think they were safe.  The sad part is it happened too many times in this country.  I cannot sit and watch anymore.  I am planning to get involve with this issue -- Gun Control.  I am considering homeschooling or moving back to the Philippines once Benji starts school if nothing changes... 

Party pooper

I tell people that I am a better visitor than host.  I say that to be funny but it is not a joke. 
I think the reason is that I have so much anxiety of trying to be the perfect host which is an unatainable quest.     It is rooted from my childhood.  My mother is very critical on people.  When we visit relatives or friends, she usually criticizes their housekeeping skills.  So, I thought growing up that people are like that when they visit you.  They notice every imperfections. 

Now that I'm an adult, I know better.  But still, this anxiety of disappointing my visitors remains.  I think this makes them uncomfortable with me, too.

In the Philippines, people are generally hospitable.  Hospitality is good but if it sacrifices your sanity, your family's comfort and bank account, it is detrimental.  I don't think visitors want that, too. 

I seldom have visitors.   Having get together in my house rarely happens.  The main reason is that my house is a disaster.  Benjamin ruined my furnitures, walls and floor.  Also, I have a "no shoe policy" in my home but I am not assertive enough to enforce them at times.  So, I usually end up shampooing the whole house after the party.  It is exhausting just thinking about it...

My New Year's resolution is to learn how to be a graceful host.  I think letting go of  this idea of perfection is the first step....

Turning 3

Someone turned 3 last Friday....  Not an easy age, I heard. 

Remembering

I am not a Catholic but I was until I was 10 years old.  So, I am familiar with All Saint's Day and All Soul's Day stuff.  Until about last year, I was not a big Halloween or remembering-the-dead kind of person.  This year is different.  Death struck my immediate family late last year.  I have this delayed response to grief but it refused to wane.   Working in healthcare probably contributes to my non-waning grief.  I am reminded constantly of the suffering that my father went through.  Learning over the weekend that my former patient was transferred to hospice care was the blow for me.  She's one of my all-time favorite clients.  We enjoyed each other's company. I met her 4 years ago.  A feisty woman in her 80s, she fired her first P.T.   So my boss sent me to take over the job.  I admit I was hesitant and nervous.  I had this presumption that she's hard to please, that I need to tip-toe around her.  Her house is also out of my territory.  When she heard my voice on the phone, she admitted that she thought she was being punished.  She sarcastically thought "Great.  Now they sent me a foreigner!"  But we had a great time together.  I love her and she loved me.  We lost touch though because things happened in my life and she does not answer her phone calls.   I stopped twice in her house but there was  no answer on the door.   I thought of her once in a while and wondered if she's still alive.  I looked for her name in obituaries. 

So, today after work and driving my mother to Walmart, Benji and I went to visit her in the nursing home.  I was nervous and excited to see her again.    When I arrived in her darkened room, the first thing I noticed was that she has not changed.  She's probably thinner but she still looks defiant and alert.  The sad thing is she does not remember me.  I explained to her who I was and my husband.  But  nothing clicked in her brain.  All my excitement drained quickly. She told me that she just wants to sleep.   We left her room in a hurry to give her peace.  I felt  deep sorow as I closed her door.

A tiny tinged of relief also found its way as I trudged the long hallway.  I felt guilt not keeping in touch with her.  Now,  I realized why we drifted apart.   She's been tired for a long time.  She wants to be left alone. 

My father seems to be a daily visitor in my thoughts.  I don't dislike the visit.  It just makes me sad.  Sad that I did not do more to take care of him when he was sick.  Sad that our relationship was not ideal.  Sad that I cannot take back time to correct my wrong.   I constantly think of his sacrifices for us, and  his disappointments toward me. 

I would like to believe that my father is in a better place.  I hope that he knows that I am thinking about him.  I cannot light up a candle overnight like they do in  the Philippines but I am remembering just the same.  Happy All Soul's Day!

P.S.  I just want to share this video about a doctor who experienced afterlife while in coma...

Immigrant Experience

Few years back, I had an older Italian patient.  This nice lady immigrated in the United States in the 1950s when she was in her early 30s after marrying her Italian-American sweetheart.   Her accent is pretty thick but I can understand her fairly well.  She told me that she cannot stand people who does not understand her English.  She said that these people  don't listen.  She refuses to repeat for them what she just said. She just walks away and moves on..