A break

I should be outside and enjoying this rare warm late October day. Instead, I'm inside blogging and watching TV as I am waiting for trick-or-treaters. Yes, today is beggar's night in Altoona. And you can never ask for the perfect day.

I spoke so soon when I wrote in my previous blog that I was ready for cold season. But boy, once it hits, I missed those warmer days when you can go out without a coat. It will get worst, I know, once snow falls. Anyway, today we have a break from those cold autumn days -- rare occurrence this time of the year here. Indian summer, they call it. The sun was shining brightly providing the perfect lighting for colorful leaf display of trees preparing for months of dormancy. Temperature went up to 73 degrees (I have no idea what the Celsius equivalent) which is perfect for short sleeved shirt and maybe a pair of shorts. Wind was blowing softly just enough to make the air crisp and refreshing. It's amazing how temperature, like sense of smell, can trigger those good memories in me.

I don't know why I am here in front of the computer while half-heartedly watching TV (bombarded by political ads) and gulping half pint of Haagen-Dazs green tea ice cream (my favorite!), when I can enjoy this beautiful day outside. The main reason is that I want 3 bags of candies out of my house. This is the first year of me, and me alone, giving away candies. Jason is the unofficial designated kid person (whatever that means) in the house but this evening he's in class. So, the shy moi has no choice. Well, it's not totally true, I can just turn off the porch light and go out. But we have 3 bags of candies (yes, bought by my hubby), and I don't want him eating it all just by himself. Good reason, huh?

What I think, that is...

Knowing what I know now, would I still wait to be in my 30's to try to have a kid? The answer is a definite yes! Knowledge and experience were gained through years of living and making unintentional mistakes. I know I am having difficulty now with my fertility but I think it would not matter anyway. I believe that if I am infertile now, I was probably infertile then. Also, I am a late bloomer. I feel like I entered adulthood just few years ago. I think now I am more matured and has the capability as well as patience to nurture another human being who will depend entirely on me for existence, if that would ever happen.

My life is a constant evolution. I am different person from what I used to be 10 or even 5 years ago. I want to think that I change for the better (hopefully). So, wherever, life takes me, I hope to just go with the flow... It is easier that way.

It pours!

Rejection, no matter where it comes from, hurts like someone slapped you in the face. Despite my futile attempt to instill in my female brain not to personalize it, still, it found a way to ruin my day. Like a poisonous snake, it bit into my psyche and sent its thick fatal venom to my optimism.

This morning, I received a phone call from a patient of mine and was told these words: "You are good but I am requesting a change in therapist." My initial defensive reaction was anger. In my thought I blurted "Okay, fine. Good riddance." But this girl needs to be professional at all times (and it is quite a struggle in times like this), so, I, graciously, referred her to another therapist. I felt relieved but hurt by this unforseen rejection. This made me not trust my other patients. Though I am no virgin to this experience, it came as a blow to my professional self-esteem. I questioned my capability and skill. The fact is most patients are good people, and compliant because they want to be well. Many times, I received gratitudes for helping them in their recoveries. Unfortunately, those few rotten apples seem to spoil everything for me. I started to see the negative aspect of my job! Compassion fatigue officially sets in. I am tired of caring for people who don't deserve it! I am tired of kissing asses of patients, doctors, management people, etc! I am tired of dealing with Medicare! Tired of paperwork and endless driving!

Throughout the day, during idle moments, I thought of alternatives and ways to escape my predicament . Sadly, there is no better alternative for now. The economy is going for a waste basket. Everyone seems to be on edge due to this economic crisis. And I would hate to trek the uncertain rough road of employment seeking again, in which I'd been many times over. I am not naive; and I am aware that in healthcare, the situation like this morning happens frequently. As they say, "You cannot please everyone."

My outlook turned 180 degrees from last week. Then, despite the big sell-off in Wall Street, I felt lucky and grateful for having a good job that pays for my middle-class lifestyle. Today, it matches the weather -- dark, gloomy, and rainy. I feel trapped in a way. I have bills to pay and future to prepare for. How can I afford those expensive fertility treatments? How about a child? These thoughts make me insecure and almost scared to lose this job that I marginally loathe (for now). What should I do then?

But to wish for a better tomorrow.

Manic Tuesday?

Today is definitely not the worst day of my life but I think it is worth mentioning here just to capture a day of working in home health in Iowa, when things do not go your way.

I was sent to do an admission to a small town called Hartford, located about 20 miles south of Des Moines. It is mainly a farming community. The problem with small towns is that they usually do not have a detailed street map that you can buy. Maybe, if you go to the post office (if the town has one or if you can find it), you can find a map hanging on the wall. Anyway, usually, I use yahoo maps for direction but at times it is not accurate in some occasion like construction with detours or small rural towns. This time, it did not work for me.

I felt lucky at first because the road I was looking is off the main highway. My joy of finding it waned quickly when I found out that it is a dirt road. And dirt roads are super muddy when it is wet and rainy, like today! But it was too late when I learned of it.

I never been in a dirt road before, gravel road, yes, but not dirt road and there is a huge difference when it is wet and rainy --sticky, soft mud! The initial 300 to 500 feet of the road was gravel then it dips into a muddy, sticky dirt road. I was losing control of the wheel and finally after the initial downhill I was not moving at all because my tires got stuck in the mud. I, slowly, realized that I will not be able to trek this road. So, I turned and tried to returned to the main road. But it was not easy. There were ruts created by my tires. These long ruts made my car stuck in the middle of the road. I tried my darnedest to get out of it by stepping hard on my gas pedal and changing to lower gears. My engine started to emit light smoke like dry ice as it is working so hard. Small chunks of mud were flying everywhere and covered my car from top to bottom. After 15 minutes of trying and praying as well as bargaining to God that I will try to be a better person if He helps me out of this predicament, I finally got out of it. I felt so relieved, but shaken.

I took another road to get to my patient's house. Upon arriving, I told my patient and her family what happened to me. They were amused by my story and they told me that lots of people get stuck on that road. The city should place a warning sign not to use that road when wet. I was also informed that each car that got stuck there needed towing or assistance to get unstuck. When they learned that I unstuck myself, they were amazed and asked me if I have a 4-wheel-drive. When I told them that I have a compact sedan with front-wheel drive, they were more amazed. When asked how I did it, I answered "I bargained to God" because I am not really sure how I did it!

New Low

It is probably the huge dive of the stock market or the cooler-than normal morning, perhaps her motherly concern. Looking directly to my eyes, I was asked by P, "How are you?" "I'm fine," I quickly replied but I saw that she was not convinced by my answer. Due to my vulnerability and sadness, I conceded and confessed wholeheartedly my real psychological state -- depression.

Uncontrollable like a lost young child, I sobbed and blurted out how I feel. Without editing. I, unashamedly, exposed my heart -- raw, open and wounded, like a piece of meat left in an open field for vultures to feast on. The tears came flowing out of my eyes like water from overfilled dam. P was probably caught off guard by this display of emotion. However, she is very supportive and empathetic. Of all people at work, she understands how I feel because she went through this kind of emotion but our circumstances are totally different. She, in her 50's and single, struggled for quite a long time to fit in the society where expectation for people is to get married and procreate. According to her, it's just now that she is finally at peace.

Concurrent to my melancholic state, I finished reading the Italy part of the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is an author's memoir of her 1 year journey to 3 countries -- Italy for pursuit of pleasure; India for the pursuit of devotion; and Indonesia for the pursuit of balance. But prior to these trips, she undergone a very long and bitter divorce. She has chosen not to be married and not to have a baby. She also chronicled her fight with depression. Anyway, here is a passage from this book (page 95) that really resonates on me:

Virginia Woolf wrote, "Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow
of a sword." On one side that sword, she said, there lies convention and tradition
and order, where "all is correct." But on the other side of that sword, if you're crazy
enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, "all is confusion.
Nothing follows a regular course." Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow
of that sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet
it will also be more perilous.

I have not yet chosen the "other side of the sword." My hope of following "the convention and tradition and order" is very much alive. But I know there is a high possibility that I might not belong to this side. And I am scared of the uncertainty.

Yet, not all is peril. P and I agreed that there is beauty in feeling down, blue and uncertain. I am much more empathetic and more in tuned to other people's feeling. Genuine concern is more evident when I offer my shoulder to cry on for people and I offer it unashamedly and more often.

What's next?

Life...What to do next? Jason and I are brainstorming on what we have to do next in our life? We decided to live life fully no matter what! Our miscarriage was a set-back but it also gave us an opportunity for inventory of endless possibilities ahead of us.

First, we plan to try to get pregnant and stay pregnant again. Yes, you read me right. Despite the pain that we feel right now due to the recent loss, we feel that it is important for us to to do our best to have children. Sometimes we wonder where this strong desire came from. As we all know, children are big responsibilities. They change your life completely. Everything tangible will be lesser like time for each other, money, spontaneity and carefree days. Also, we look at the current status of the world. Do we really need to bring another human being to inherit this dangerous and warming world? However, I still feel this almost painful desire to have a child. We sometimes wonder is it because having children seems to elude us or is it biology. This experience humbles us in ways we never imagine.

To be continued....

End of Summer

It is odd that this year I am actually looking forward to colder weather. We are officially in the last week of summer but it seems like summer ended at the onset of September. As they said, it is a-colder-than-normal September this year. The night is getting longer. Air is cooler and more refreshing.

Eventful is the word I would describe my summer. I found out I was pregnant end of July. We were delighted but yet careful not to divulge this information to many people due to our history of multiple miscarriages. To make long story short, I miscarried again. It was devastating and I don't know if I can go through this experience again. Going through the grieving process is not easy but the 3rd time around, it is more accelerated but certainly not less painful. You cannot intellectualize miscarriage and you cannot get used to it. My heart continues to ache whenever I think of the loss.

This autumn, I plan to give myself time to heal physically and emotionally. The world continues to revolve on its axis and my life goes on.