Life happening...

Quite frankly, I am apprehensive of writing another post in my blog due to following reasons:

1. Bloggers who are lot better writers than me found out about my blog. I feel so unworthy. It is my fault because I left comments in their blogs and gave my blog name in the process. I cannot help it. I am nosy!
2. It seems like I am more inspired to write in this site when I feel melancholic. I don't want people to think that I am such a negative person (which is highly possible). But who cares what people think, right? I am such a sucker for acceptance.
3. My command in English language is still limited even after 11 years of living in US. I am really digging at the bottom of the barrel here, people, since I started my blog.

Anyway, what keeps me going is that this blog keeps me connected to people who are sharing their expat stories and who are going through life experiences like mine. It is nice to know that I am not alone in my infertility issues; that there are Filipinos like me living in foreign countries trying to maintain their identities while integrating to their new societies (which will probably be a lifetime ordeal for me).

Okay, enough of my dramatic sentiment. Here's what's going on in my neck of the woods...

The Weather





Brrrr! Blustery! The average high now is in the 20's (Fahrenheit) and the lows is in low teens. Wind chill needs to be factored in, too. I have to dress in layers for my job because of the temperature difference between the outside and inside of my patients' house. My skin is dry. Nose is somewhat bloody and buggery. Hands and lips are cracked. Hair static -ky. I am a mess! But there is some kind of peacefulness during winter (Actually, it is not officially winter yet--not 'til the 21st). Outside the comfort of my warm home, time seems to stop and everything transformed into glass that can break at anytime. In a windless day, nothing seems to move except the heat that turned into smoke coming out of me when I exhale and from house chimneys. It is eerie yet beautiful.

New hobby

I never thought I could learn how to knit until I met a lady who owns a small local yarn shop in my town. I met her couple of months ago. Due to multiple road construction in our area, I was detoured to another road. During idle moment at the red light, I browsed at the shops around me. It was providential. I saw her sign. Unable to control my curiosity, I went to her shop. Upon opening the door, I knew I was in yarn heaven. "Touching is free. Help yourself," she said. That's what I did. I've been crocheting for more than a year now. So, I can appreciate a good skein of yarn. She offered to teach me how to knit . Due to my busy schedule, I did not take her offer until 3 weeks ago. Not bad for a beginner, huh?

To be continued....

Isolation

It's a kid's world. Maybe I feel like that because I belong to the childless minority.

I have always been a minority, it seems. But I cannot get used to it. This year is tougher as motherhood continues to elude me.

We attended an early Christmas Party at a colleague's big, new house. There were tons of food (of course), bored spouses and jolly kids. It is a perennial occurrence and my feeling of strangeness persists. Well, aside from feeling awkward and clumsy because I always forget that the kids are the first ones to be served (duh?) and get the first option to choose where they sit which means lucky for us if we find a comfortable place to eat our dinner, most of the conversation were about these children as if they don't get enough recognition. It is perhaps an American way. Nothing wrong with that except that we, the childless minority, were left with this uncomfortable feeling that we don't belong in that gathering. We tried to penetrate their world but it seems like trekking a one-way road and you're going the opposite way. My husband, who is normally quiet and funny, tried his best to deliver his one-liners to no avail. Conversation which jumped from one topic to another without resolving the previous ones were repeatedly interrupted by the children's thumps and holler. After eating and house tour, there was nothing to do but go home. However, children continue to have fun playing and watching a movie. Men (except for my hubby who stayed by my side the whole evening, thank God!) were watching college football game in which the home team was losing terribly. We felt relieved getting out of that predicament. We are once again in our own childless world. "They need a karaoke there," I jokingly told my husband while driving home.

It is always like that each year. I don't even know why we bother to attend. I don't think our absence or presence will make any difference. It occurs to me that we will always find ourselves in that predicament if we stay childless. We will be an outcast for another 20 years in our own age group-- second citizens whom many people will probably feel sorry for. Our life will be treated as less important compared to those with children. The future will stop with us but those with children will continue to exist.

I don't really feel sorry for myself and my husband. I see it like this -- we are given time to know ourselves as an individual and as a couple and to pursue more interests. I am starting to learn how to knit and my husband is getting another degree. Most important of all, we are more appreciative of each other's presence.

Election day

I am anxiously and excitedly awaiting the result of this presidential election.

I voted once for a president in 1992 back in the Philippines. I was 18 years old and very excited. I even volunteered as a poll watcher. The guy that I voted for won (yes, it was Ramos).

But today it is different and historical. For one, everyone has been waiting for this day for 2 years now. I heard from BBC that many people in different countries are also closely watching this US election and most of them are hoping for Obama's win.

The truth is we did not support Obama in his bid to be the Democratic nominee. We thought he is too young and inexperienced. We believed that other candidates were more qualified. However, armed with the message of hope, he prevailed to be the nominee.

My husband and I are long-time admirers of John McCain. My husband even voted for him as a write-in (yes, you can do that here!) back in 2000. We think he is a true American hero. Lots of people outside the United States do not know that John McCain survived a 5 year ordeal as a POW in Vietnam. He suffered several injuries and grueling tortures in the hand of his Vietnamese captors. He was offered early release after a year in captivity when they found out that his father was a U.S. forces commander. He refused to leave before his comrades, and remained in prison for 4 more years. In the senate, he works with Democrats in issues like immigration, environmental concerns and finance reforms. He is a true maverick, making him unpopular with the conservative base. He does not care, though. He believes that serving his country is "a cause greater than self."

Deep inside, I am a conservative. I don't believe in entitlement and big government. Coming from a country where there is very limited opportunity for people like me (poor, no connection, average looking, and not a UP graduate), I cannot understand why some Americans complain when they have so much opportunities given to them. Success requires and deserves hard work, doesn't it? Over and over again we hear people who started nothing making it in this country through hard work. Why can't they?

However, I am not really what you call a "social conservative." I am pro-choice when it comes to abortion rights. I believe in gay rights. I am for environment preservation and universal health care.

I registered as a democrat. And yes, I voted for Obama because I believe we need a change -- good change especially in foreign policy, health care and energy policy. I like John McCain but I see him as the past and Obama is the future.

Whatever the outcome, I am proud of my adopted country for its true democratic values and grateful for the comfortable life it gave me and my family.

A break

I should be outside and enjoying this rare warm late October day. Instead, I'm inside blogging and watching TV as I am waiting for trick-or-treaters. Yes, today is beggar's night in Altoona. And you can never ask for the perfect day.

I spoke so soon when I wrote in my previous blog that I was ready for cold season. But boy, once it hits, I missed those warmer days when you can go out without a coat. It will get worst, I know, once snow falls. Anyway, today we have a break from those cold autumn days -- rare occurrence this time of the year here. Indian summer, they call it. The sun was shining brightly providing the perfect lighting for colorful leaf display of trees preparing for months of dormancy. Temperature went up to 73 degrees (I have no idea what the Celsius equivalent) which is perfect for short sleeved shirt and maybe a pair of shorts. Wind was blowing softly just enough to make the air crisp and refreshing. It's amazing how temperature, like sense of smell, can trigger those good memories in me.

I don't know why I am here in front of the computer while half-heartedly watching TV (bombarded by political ads) and gulping half pint of Haagen-Dazs green tea ice cream (my favorite!), when I can enjoy this beautiful day outside. The main reason is that I want 3 bags of candies out of my house. This is the first year of me, and me alone, giving away candies. Jason is the unofficial designated kid person (whatever that means) in the house but this evening he's in class. So, the shy moi has no choice. Well, it's not totally true, I can just turn off the porch light and go out. But we have 3 bags of candies (yes, bought by my hubby), and I don't want him eating it all just by himself. Good reason, huh?

What I think, that is...

Knowing what I know now, would I still wait to be in my 30's to try to have a kid? The answer is a definite yes! Knowledge and experience were gained through years of living and making unintentional mistakes. I know I am having difficulty now with my fertility but I think it would not matter anyway. I believe that if I am infertile now, I was probably infertile then. Also, I am a late bloomer. I feel like I entered adulthood just few years ago. I think now I am more matured and has the capability as well as patience to nurture another human being who will depend entirely on me for existence, if that would ever happen.

My life is a constant evolution. I am different person from what I used to be 10 or even 5 years ago. I want to think that I change for the better (hopefully). So, wherever, life takes me, I hope to just go with the flow... It is easier that way.

It pours!

Rejection, no matter where it comes from, hurts like someone slapped you in the face. Despite my futile attempt to instill in my female brain not to personalize it, still, it found a way to ruin my day. Like a poisonous snake, it bit into my psyche and sent its thick fatal venom to my optimism.

This morning, I received a phone call from a patient of mine and was told these words: "You are good but I am requesting a change in therapist." My initial defensive reaction was anger. In my thought I blurted "Okay, fine. Good riddance." But this girl needs to be professional at all times (and it is quite a struggle in times like this), so, I, graciously, referred her to another therapist. I felt relieved but hurt by this unforseen rejection. This made me not trust my other patients. Though I am no virgin to this experience, it came as a blow to my professional self-esteem. I questioned my capability and skill. The fact is most patients are good people, and compliant because they want to be well. Many times, I received gratitudes for helping them in their recoveries. Unfortunately, those few rotten apples seem to spoil everything for me. I started to see the negative aspect of my job! Compassion fatigue officially sets in. I am tired of caring for people who don't deserve it! I am tired of kissing asses of patients, doctors, management people, etc! I am tired of dealing with Medicare! Tired of paperwork and endless driving!

Throughout the day, during idle moments, I thought of alternatives and ways to escape my predicament . Sadly, there is no better alternative for now. The economy is going for a waste basket. Everyone seems to be on edge due to this economic crisis. And I would hate to trek the uncertain rough road of employment seeking again, in which I'd been many times over. I am not naive; and I am aware that in healthcare, the situation like this morning happens frequently. As they say, "You cannot please everyone."

My outlook turned 180 degrees from last week. Then, despite the big sell-off in Wall Street, I felt lucky and grateful for having a good job that pays for my middle-class lifestyle. Today, it matches the weather -- dark, gloomy, and rainy. I feel trapped in a way. I have bills to pay and future to prepare for. How can I afford those expensive fertility treatments? How about a child? These thoughts make me insecure and almost scared to lose this job that I marginally loathe (for now). What should I do then?

But to wish for a better tomorrow.

Manic Tuesday?

Today is definitely not the worst day of my life but I think it is worth mentioning here just to capture a day of working in home health in Iowa, when things do not go your way.

I was sent to do an admission to a small town called Hartford, located about 20 miles south of Des Moines. It is mainly a farming community. The problem with small towns is that they usually do not have a detailed street map that you can buy. Maybe, if you go to the post office (if the town has one or if you can find it), you can find a map hanging on the wall. Anyway, usually, I use yahoo maps for direction but at times it is not accurate in some occasion like construction with detours or small rural towns. This time, it did not work for me.

I felt lucky at first because the road I was looking is off the main highway. My joy of finding it waned quickly when I found out that it is a dirt road. And dirt roads are super muddy when it is wet and rainy, like today! But it was too late when I learned of it.

I never been in a dirt road before, gravel road, yes, but not dirt road and there is a huge difference when it is wet and rainy --sticky, soft mud! The initial 300 to 500 feet of the road was gravel then it dips into a muddy, sticky dirt road. I was losing control of the wheel and finally after the initial downhill I was not moving at all because my tires got stuck in the mud. I, slowly, realized that I will not be able to trek this road. So, I turned and tried to returned to the main road. But it was not easy. There were ruts created by my tires. These long ruts made my car stuck in the middle of the road. I tried my darnedest to get out of it by stepping hard on my gas pedal and changing to lower gears. My engine started to emit light smoke like dry ice as it is working so hard. Small chunks of mud were flying everywhere and covered my car from top to bottom. After 15 minutes of trying and praying as well as bargaining to God that I will try to be a better person if He helps me out of this predicament, I finally got out of it. I felt so relieved, but shaken.

I took another road to get to my patient's house. Upon arriving, I told my patient and her family what happened to me. They were amused by my story and they told me that lots of people get stuck on that road. The city should place a warning sign not to use that road when wet. I was also informed that each car that got stuck there needed towing or assistance to get unstuck. When they learned that I unstuck myself, they were amazed and asked me if I have a 4-wheel-drive. When I told them that I have a compact sedan with front-wheel drive, they were more amazed. When asked how I did it, I answered "I bargained to God" because I am not really sure how I did it!