Still here

I am still here and kicking. In good spirit, thank you.... On medical leave until December 22, 2009, if everything goes well. My days are full of anxiety but at the same time with unnatural calmness. I've been knitting and listening to audio books (from the library). My mantra this week is "not to worry on things I cannot control." I will try to catch up with my blogging soon...

Twila Paris - Warrior is a Child / Do I Trust You

This song really inspired me today....

After Many Springs

Last weekend, we were drawn to visit Des Moines Art Center as the famous painting of Iowa's native Grant Wood (1891-1942) is on display. The painting was titled American Gothic which is owned by Art Institute of Chicago. It is part of exhibition portraying Midwestern Modern Regional Paintings. The exhibition runs from January 30 to March 29. Admission is free. It was my first time to visit the Des Moines Art Center and I was pleasantly surprised by the amount and quality of permanent collections that they have. I am not expecting it for a city the size of Des Moines. Anyway, the paintings, photographs and documentary films on display for the exhibition portrayed life in the Midwestern United States during the Depression. It is eerie due to the fact that we are again in the midst of unprecedented economic crisis. The exhibit continues to be relevant for the present day.

The three painters that I was drawn to were Grant Wood (of course), Thomas Hart Benton, and John Steuart Curry. They were the most influential painters of their time. They are hailed Midwestern Triumvirate of American Regionalism. They were critics of abstract expressionism. I, personally, prefer realism painting because I am impressed by the details of the work.

John Steaurt Curry (1897-1946) Tornado Over Kansas, 1929, oil on canvas

Muskegon Museum of Art

Thomas Hart Benton (1889-1975)

Cradling Wheat, 1938

Saint Louis Art Museum

Grant Wood, The Birthplace of Herbert Hoover, 1931

Des Moines Art Center

Spring Fever

I cannot believe we're already in February. Time seems to go faster when you're older. I am glad, though, that January is over. It was a tough month for me. Aside from 2 car accidents, my job is not going that great for me. I finally broke down and just cried my eyes out to my 2 co-workers then to my supervisor. They are very understanding and supportive. I attributed this heightened emotional instability to fertility drugs and hormones. I was advised to see a counselor. I did that but I continue to feel blah and empty. The counselor encouraged me to join a support group. I would check on that, soon. So, this month, I stopped taking Clomid and I feel like my old self, almost.

I know in my heart that I am not over my grief. It is grief from losing 3 pregnancies in the last 2 years. We tried to put on an I'm-okay-facade but deep inside we are left with this empty hole filled with aches and sorrow. And it does not take much to put me in that mood.

Early March of 2007, I found out I was pregnant. I had morning sickness during that pregnancy. At 12 weeks of that pregnancy, during my check-up, everything was okay. I thought I was safe but at 16 weeks check-up, they could not find any heartbeat. It was devastating to be so close to your wildest dream yet helplessly watching slipped away from you. And we are never the same again.

It is funny how your body plays tricks on you. It's been an abnormally warmer February. Temperature is spring-like and it was spring during my first trimester in that pregnancy and I feel the same thing right now-- morning sickness; and I am pretty sure I am not pregnant. It is just amazing how temperature like sense of smell brings back same old body emotions.

For now, we try to live life the best that we can.

Thankful

Just a quick update on what's going on with me...

I got involved in two car accidents in less than a week!

I feel so relieved to get it out in the open. I thought I was a pretty good driver. It is such an awakening to realize that I am not. For now, I am extra careful with my driving. I follow the rules by the book. So, if ever I get into accident again I can proudly say ( if I survive) that it is not my fault!

I was so depress for a short time after the 2nd accident. The 1st accident was my fault; the 2nd one was weather related. But the 2nd one just brought me to the ground. I thought I have to quit my job and stop driving altogether. But that emotion passed and I decided to stay on because I have to pay for my mishaps. We have a thousand bucks for deductible and 800 bucks for the repair of the rental car that I damaged from the 2nd accident. Ouch! I have to tap my savings... Also, we are bracing for a raise in our car insurance premium. And, oh before I forgot I have to pay my traffic ticket for failing to yield to oncoming traffic. That's another 100 bucks.

I know I am still lucky that no one was hurt. So, for that, I am thankful..

Empty Nester

I am so tired. I can feel it in my bones. This weekend had been very busy. We moved my father to an apartment, so, he can be closer to work. After about a year and a half of living together, I am conflicted between feeling of relief and missing him.

Our relationship is not perfect, maybe far from it. We are just two flawed individuals who happened to be related. We never lived together this long since 1979 (that's when I was 5 years old). He worked as a cook in a cargo ship when we were growing up. He was home only about 2 to 3 months a year. I did not really know my father until the time he lived with us. The funny thing is that it is like looking in a mirror. I can see the resemblance in mannerism and character. It is true that an apple never falls too far from its tree. It explains my timidness, painful shyness, occasional indifference and my perpetual need for re-assurance.

I still cannot believe he is not staying with us anymore. Now, we have to prepare our lunch, shovel snow, bring out the garbage and recyclables, fold the laundry, mop the kitchen floor, clean the bathroom and bake bread. I never realized how much help he does for us. I will also miss that every morning, he brought my purse, lap top and lunch bag in my car. He stayed out until we drove away. I am actually beginning to cry.

I know, though, that it is for the best that we live apart. We actually get along better when we don't live together. We have our conflict. I thought it will get better with time but I was wrong. It is much peaceful this way.

I worry about him constantly. Does he have enough food to eat? Is he keeping warm? Is it safe for him to walk to work? It is like having a child! My husband is constantly reminding me that he is a big boy and he could take care of himself.

We visited again this morning. I cut his hair. We assisted him in hanging curtains. We noticed that he seems happier. My mother will be moving in with him in a week and I think he is excited.

I wish all the best to my parents...

2008 Holiday Letter

2008 has been a year of learning and trials for us. The most important thing we learned is to live fully no matter what the situation. It’s been a year of 1st times and life happenings.

Our first times were….

• January, we participated in the Iowa Caucus. We met many enthusiastic people, who like us participated and volunteered for the 1st time. Our guy did not win, though.
• August, we camped at Rocky Mountain National Park. Sleeping in the tent was more fun than we thought it would be. No, we did not see any bear (thank God!). Two new terms were coined by Jason -- hybrid camping and bi-time-zonal. Hybrid camping refers to sleeping in the campsite but going to town to hunt for food at the supermarket. Bi-time-zonal because our bodies continues to live in central time but we need to follow mountain time. We learned how to use a pail for a commode because we were too afraid to venture out of our tent at night for fear of bumping into a bear. Starting a fire without lighter fluid was a challenge but can be done. We met nice people from all over; and probably will never see again. Running down the mountain in the middle of a hailstorm during the height of Summer was unexpected. Park rangers confirmed this rare occurrence. We had a lot of fun and we plan to return, someday.
• November, Loraine voted for the 1st time in the Presidential Election. Next time she will request an absentee ballot due to long lines and somewhat chaotic atmosphere. It was an honor to participate in this historic election.
• Loraine started a blog in April to practice her writing skill in English. Through her blog, she was able to connect with other Filipino bloggers living in different corners of the world, who shared the same experiences. It became an outlet and means of expressing her thoughts. It is somewhat scary at times to open your life like that..

Life continues…

• Jason and Loraine continue to work for Mercy; Loraine’s father for WalMart in Ankeny.
• We met new friends and re-connected with old. November, we attended the wedding of Jacqui and Alex in Clarion where we also re-connected with Fort Dodge people. We visited Susan and Tyler who live in Kansas in December. Susan is Loraine’s schoolmate from high school, as well as neighbor in the Philippines. We had a great time talking about old times as well as catching up with each other’s lives.
• Jason continues to burn night oil studying for his Accounting degree which he plans to finish someday.
• Vegetable gardening continues to be a big part of our Spring and Summer. We look forward to expanding our operation next season.
• The chance of finding someone you know in a crowd is so remote, especially in Des Moines, yet Flora Lea Foster was able to find us, unexpectedly. It happened summer of 2006 at the Farmer’s Market. Then , again this fall at the Des Moines International Food Festival. We hope to unexpectedly see her again next year.
  

Overall, it’s been a good year for us. Despite the recent economic downturn, we are grateful for all the blessings we received and peacefulness we feel. And we wish the same to you …

Jason and Loraine