Lately, I am noticing myself so uninspired and just trying to exist. My creativity seems like caught in a quagmire of everyday life. At times, I felt trapped in a tragedy of middle class America which include working, paying your bills, looking forward to weekends and retirement then die. You can add getting married, having children, living in suburbia, and owning 2 cars. I know lots of people will be happy to have that life. I should not be complaining. At least, I have a job, a home and good husband.
For last couple of weeks, I have been dreaming of Philippines. Well, not exactly Philippines but everything seems like Philippines. I was listening one Saturday to Rick Steves, the travel guru in National Public Radio. In that particular program, he and his Italian guest were discussing about Sicily. That night I had a dream that I was on a bus trip in Sicily but the surroundings looked like we were in Cubao with its dilapidated shanties, sari-sari store, young coconut (buko) stand and a McDonald's. The only Italians in my dream were the policemen eating pasta at McDonald's. Then, the other night I dreamt of trying to catch a bus to go somewhere I don't remember. In my dream, I was outside Garden Village, the place where I grew up, and then this big camper bus driven by an American woman stopped and let me on. There, I found my sister and our school bus seatmate back when we were in elementary. Through the bus windows, I could see mountains like the ones in Rocky Mountain National Park. The woman drove a short distance and when we got to Phase 3 of Garden Village, she stopped and asked us to get out. Then, I realized, we did not really need to hitch-hike because I have a car and I can drive. Then I woke up feeling relieved.
I probably miss the Philippines. But what is there for me? Probably nothing! Most of the time I romanticize living in the Philippines. The thought of white sand beaches, coconut and mango trees, tropical fruits, sampaguita, warm rainy days and Filipino foods is enough for me to feel homesick. After eleven years, I, sometimes, forget the reality of living in the Philippines -- pollution in Manila, difficulty in landing a job, poverty, government corruption, traffic, etc. Friends and family from home tell me repeatedly how lucky I am to be here and that I am in a greener pasture. I feel lucky and I try not to take what I have for granted. However, inside of me, there is this urge to do more and to learn more. Of what? I don't know. The sad thing is I don't know myself. Did I lose myself in this quagmire called middle-class America?
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Rocky Mountain Vacation
These are just some of the highlights of our Rocky Mountain National Park vacation:
- Driving about 700 miles one way and trying to stay awake by listening to books on CD's.
- Driving through the entire length of southern part of Nebraska.
- Driving through curvaceous roads surrounded by delicate rocky mountains.
- Finishing the 3-day planned camping trip.
- Telling ghost stories and playing UNO in the tent while waiting to fall asleep.
- Using a bucket as a commode as we were too afraid to walk outside our tent in the middle of the night for fear of encountering a bear.
- Having a nice mountainous view to see 1st thing in the morning.
- Cooking by using woods and small gas grill. Next time, we'll invest on stove.
- Hiking uphill and arriving in our lake destinations.
- Admiring the beautiful and the mountainous terrain of the Park.
- Shopping in Estes Park for souvenirs and food.
View from our tent.
Dream Lake
Estes Park- Breathing in the fresh, cool mountain air.
- Driving to the comfort station (as we were too fatigued to walk) to wash our dishes and brush our teeth. Next time, we should specify a campsite closer to the comfort station. Bathroom is not the same as comfort station as we learned. Bathrooms typically do not have running water. It is like a port-a-pot. Water stations are usually by the bathrooms but you are not allowed to do any washing there to prevent contamination; it is only for drinking water. You can do dishes in your site but you have to throw the gray water in a designated area, so bears will not smell food.
- Meeting nice people whom we will most likely never see again.
- Surviving a hail storm and learning our lesson to dress in layers and bring a poncho or even start earlier in the day as it storm most likely in the afternoon.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Difficulty of Being a Filipino
I talked over the phone to my younger sister who is living in the Philippines last Friday. I learned from my father that she was not accepted by an agency that recruits Filipino nurses to Canada. According to her, she was scheduled to be interviewed Wednesday, July 23, 2008 at 3PM, but the agency changed it to 8 AM. However, they notified her through a text at 1 AM the day of the interview. She did not get the message until she woke up at 7AM. Could you imagine the stress? She was not accepted because, according to them, her experience is NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) not Med-Surg (Medical-Surgical Ward).
I was so mad after hearing what happened. I am mad that this agency played on desperation of Filipino nurses to get out of the country. I think notifying her late in the game is not fair and unrespectful. I don't think they can do this to any nurses in Canada or US. This situation made me think on how difficult, at times, to be a Filipino!
My father worked overseas for 24 years as a merchant marine. He did it because it was the only way to give his children a good education and better life. We practically grew up without a father. He came home about once a year for about 2 to 3 mos at a time . In a way, he was luckier than other Filipinos who are unable to return home that often. Most of them, especially those who were in the Middle East, never get to go home for years and years, leaving behind young children and spouses who need them. What will happened to those children? For me, it affected me not having my father growing up. My mother was overwhelmed raising 5 children and working as a teacher at the same time. We didn't get to know our father and this creates some tension in our relationship now.
I had a co-worker who spent some time in the Middle East as her husband works for the State Department. She met several Filipinos who were desperate of getting a job that they stood outside Westerner's houses or offices all day and begging to take care of their yard or chores. There was this particular Filipino woman who really stood out to her. The Filipino woman babysat for her twins. This woman told my co-worker her life story. She was in Israel for about 2 years and had not seen her young children and husband. She was or is staying illegally in Israel but she continues to stay there as she wants to provide better life for her kids. Israel, according to my co-worker, does not treat illegal immigrants well. My co-worker tried to assist her to get to the United States to be a caretaker of a quadriplegic teen-aged son of a friend but she was denied visa. Now, she doesn't know what happened to this Filipino woman.
It makes my heart aches hearing this kind of story! What can be done? I know the Philippine government does not really care on the psychological effect of migration and separation to families. Did they even do a study regarding this? Why Filipinos needing to get out of the country working those lowly jobs and taking care of other people's children when their own children are being neglected? Why most young Filipinos are wanting to get out of the country? Why do we need to live in a foreign land and suffer the feeling of being an outsider for the rest of our life?
I was so mad after hearing what happened. I am mad that this agency played on desperation of Filipino nurses to get out of the country. I think notifying her late in the game is not fair and unrespectful. I don't think they can do this to any nurses in Canada or US. This situation made me think on how difficult, at times, to be a Filipino!
My father worked overseas for 24 years as a merchant marine. He did it because it was the only way to give his children a good education and better life. We practically grew up without a father. He came home about once a year for about 2 to 3 mos at a time . In a way, he was luckier than other Filipinos who are unable to return home that often. Most of them, especially those who were in the Middle East, never get to go home for years and years, leaving behind young children and spouses who need them. What will happened to those children? For me, it affected me not having my father growing up. My mother was overwhelmed raising 5 children and working as a teacher at the same time. We didn't get to know our father and this creates some tension in our relationship now.
I had a co-worker who spent some time in the Middle East as her husband works for the State Department. She met several Filipinos who were desperate of getting a job that they stood outside Westerner's houses or offices all day and begging to take care of their yard or chores. There was this particular Filipino woman who really stood out to her. The Filipino woman babysat for her twins. This woman told my co-worker her life story. She was in Israel for about 2 years and had not seen her young children and husband. She was or is staying illegally in Israel but she continues to stay there as she wants to provide better life for her kids. Israel, according to my co-worker, does not treat illegal immigrants well. My co-worker tried to assist her to get to the United States to be a caretaker of a quadriplegic teen-aged son of a friend but she was denied visa. Now, she doesn't know what happened to this Filipino woman.
It makes my heart aches hearing this kind of story! What can be done? I know the Philippine government does not really care on the psychological effect of migration and separation to families. Did they even do a study regarding this? Why Filipinos needing to get out of the country working those lowly jobs and taking care of other people's children when their own children are being neglected? Why most young Filipinos are wanting to get out of the country? Why do we need to live in a foreign land and suffer the feeling of being an outsider for the rest of our life?
Friday, July 25, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
What a day!
I had a 3 day weekend. It was tough getting back to my routine at work. These are the things that happened today:
Jason trying to fit inflated air mattress in the tent.
Me checking out the inside of the tent.
Jason checking out the inside of the tent.
- My co-worker's 25 year old son was killed last night. We don't know the detail yet. I feel so bad for her. I don't know which is worst -- losing a child whom you've had known already or having a miscarriage? Was I spared from this predicament?
- One of my co-workers who is in maternity leave came to visit and brought her 11 week old baby girl. She is too cute! This stirred up mixed emotions - sadness for myself but genuinely happy for my co-worker. Weird!
- I missed our bi-weekly staff meeting! Yehey!
- 2 out of 6 patients cancelled and I ended up sorting papers on my desk. I found out that I had papers needing filing from 2 mos. ago. What a slob!
- I found out that we will be going wireless starting today as the hospital is trying to save home health employees driving mileage. We do not need to go to the office anymore! I had a tutorial on how to use this. I felt so stupid as I don't know much about computer. Feeling like an imbecile!
- Upon returning home, I found out my father cooked lumpia and it was very good. Cannot help over-eating! I need to exercise.
- We were not able to do any exercise (again) as Jason and I took a long time to figure out on how to set up a tent. We were practicing this as we plan to camp in Colorado next month. Fun! Checkout pictures.
Jason trying to fit inflated air mattress in the tent.
Me checking out the inside of the tent.
Jason checking out the inside of the tent.Monday, July 21, 2008
Socially Inept
It is still a struggle for me on how to handle myself in social gatherings with barely familiar people. I was born socially inept. Self-consciousness is heightened when I have to circulate and talk to someone. Apprehension dominates my emotional brain at initial contact with other party goers. What should I say after a hi and introduction? Should I ask what they do? No, it's not appropriate. They might think I will judge them on what they do and not for who they are. How about where they come from? Okay, that would probably be okay. Then what? Oh God, help me! Here they come. Loraine, just smile and listen. Take a deep breathe. It is not life and death. You'll survive.
You will think that working in health care helped me in this aspect of my life. Not really. The thing is when I see patients, I have a specific mission. I know what to ask and what topic of conversation will be -- them. Certainly, I improved over the years. I no longer feel nervous that I over indulge my patient with attention when family member is watching. However, it is different outside of work!
Last weekend, we attended Jason's grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. There were between 150 to 200 people. I never thought that they are so popular. They live in small town of Primghar, IA. I swear, it feels like half of the town was in that church where they celebrated the occasion. My sister-in-law and I were delegated the lemonade duty and due to the humid and hot day, it was a popular nook for the visitors. My sister-in-law told me to just smile and pretend I am working in WalMart. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb because I was the only non-Caucasian person in the room. Most of Jason's relatives know who I am but most of them are not familiar to me. I think they know me through photographs which were diligently taken by grandparents every time we have get-together. Most of the initial conversations were like this:
"How are you?"
"Fine, how about you?"
"Oh, fine."
Awkward silence.
"Well, it is nice seeing you," while walking away.
"You too.," feeling relieved.
As the party continues, inhibition waned and I started making better conversation like this:
"You've lost a lot of weight!" I should not have said this.
"About 40 pounds since January."
"How did you do it?"
"Eat differently and exercise 3x a week."
"We should be doing that."
Then the conversation changed to his son in Iraq and I became a better listener as I felt empathetic. I talked to many people there learning more about Jason's grandparents' earlier years. At the end of the day, I was glad I was there.
Iowans in my experience are reserve and careful people. I noticed that in parties they seldom have games. Mostly, get-together is about food and conversation. They know how to pace themselves and not get too excited with strangers (which I do). I will say compared to Filipino gatherings, Iowan gatherings will be considered boring but the longer I live here, I am starting to understand that it is about people and being comfortable in their presence by not trying too hard to please others and not losing yourself.
You will think that working in health care helped me in this aspect of my life. Not really. The thing is when I see patients, I have a specific mission. I know what to ask and what topic of conversation will be -- them. Certainly, I improved over the years. I no longer feel nervous that I over indulge my patient with attention when family member is watching. However, it is different outside of work!
Last weekend, we attended Jason's grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. There were between 150 to 200 people. I never thought that they are so popular. They live in small town of Primghar, IA. I swear, it feels like half of the town was in that church where they celebrated the occasion. My sister-in-law and I were delegated the lemonade duty and due to the humid and hot day, it was a popular nook for the visitors. My sister-in-law told me to just smile and pretend I am working in WalMart. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb because I was the only non-Caucasian person in the room. Most of Jason's relatives know who I am but most of them are not familiar to me. I think they know me through photographs which were diligently taken by grandparents every time we have get-together. Most of the initial conversations were like this:
"How are you?"
"Fine, how about you?"
"Oh, fine."
Awkward silence.
"Well, it is nice seeing you," while walking away.
"You too.," feeling relieved.
As the party continues, inhibition waned and I started making better conversation like this:
"You've lost a lot of weight!" I should not have said this.
"About 40 pounds since January."
"How did you do it?"
"Eat differently and exercise 3x a week."
"We should be doing that."
Then the conversation changed to his son in Iraq and I became a better listener as I felt empathetic. I talked to many people there learning more about Jason's grandparents' earlier years. At the end of the day, I was glad I was there.
Iowans in my experience are reserve and careful people. I noticed that in parties they seldom have games. Mostly, get-together is about food and conversation. They know how to pace themselves and not get too excited with strangers (which I do). I will say compared to Filipino gatherings, Iowan gatherings will be considered boring but the longer I live here, I am starting to understand that it is about people and being comfortable in their presence by not trying too hard to please others and not losing yourself.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
On Being 30 something part 3
We seldom go to the mall these days. It was 7 mos since the last time. However, today after our early morning dental appointment and due to the fact I was just paid yesterday, I finally gave in to my shopping craving. We were in the mall for couple of hours but I came out empty handed. What happened? Well, aside from having more self- control, I found out that my size has increased and clothes just do not fit me well. I am actually thinking of liposuction, just in my midsection. Also, I found out that I am more picky with materials. I want clothes to be made of natural fibers and those clothes can cost you tons of money. I have no nerve to buy new clothes made of natural fiber in this new size because I am still hoping to lose weight (don't trump my hopes please).
I also found out that I read more the ingredients of processed foods and cosmetic products. I have conversation like this with my husband in store:
"What is this BHT?"
" Better not buy it if you don't know it."
"I found out that DMDM Hydantoin is made of formaldehyde. They use it in lotions and soaps as a preservative"
" Don't buy it then. We can get cancer from it."
To make long story short, we are limited on what we can buy from normal stores. We spend more money now as we are very particular in using natural products. We used to buy generic brand products but they do not suffice anymore. Is it because we have more buying power in our 30's or just more pretentious?
I also found out that I read more the ingredients of processed foods and cosmetic products. I have conversation like this with my husband in store:
"What is this BHT?"
" Better not buy it if you don't know it."
"I found out that DMDM Hydantoin is made of formaldehyde. They use it in lotions and soaps as a preservative"
" Don't buy it then. We can get cancer from it."
To make long story short, we are limited on what we can buy from normal stores. We spend more money now as we are very particular in using natural products. We used to buy generic brand products but they do not suffice anymore. Is it because we have more buying power in our 30's or just more pretentious?
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