A break

I should be outside and enjoying this rare warm late October day. Instead, I'm inside blogging and watching TV as I am waiting for trick-or-treaters. Yes, today is beggar's night in Altoona. And you can never ask for the perfect day.

I spoke so soon when I wrote in my previous blog that I was ready for cold season. But boy, once it hits, I missed those warmer days when you can go out without a coat. It will get worst, I know, once snow falls. Anyway, today we have a break from those cold autumn days -- rare occurrence this time of the year here. Indian summer, they call it. The sun was shining brightly providing the perfect lighting for colorful leaf display of trees preparing for months of dormancy. Temperature went up to 73 degrees (I have no idea what the Celsius equivalent) which is perfect for short sleeved shirt and maybe a pair of shorts. Wind was blowing softly just enough to make the air crisp and refreshing. It's amazing how temperature, like sense of smell, can trigger those good memories in me.

I don't know why I am here in front of the computer while half-heartedly watching TV (bombarded by political ads) and gulping half pint of Haagen-Dazs green tea ice cream (my favorite!), when I can enjoy this beautiful day outside. The main reason is that I want 3 bags of candies out of my house. This is the first year of me, and me alone, giving away candies. Jason is the unofficial designated kid person (whatever that means) in the house but this evening he's in class. So, the shy moi has no choice. Well, it's not totally true, I can just turn off the porch light and go out. But we have 3 bags of candies (yes, bought by my hubby), and I don't want him eating it all just by himself. Good reason, huh?

What I think, that is...

Knowing what I know now, would I still wait to be in my 30's to try to have a kid? The answer is a definite yes! Knowledge and experience were gained through years of living and making unintentional mistakes. I know I am having difficulty now with my fertility but I think it would not matter anyway. I believe that if I am infertile now, I was probably infertile then. Also, I am a late bloomer. I feel like I entered adulthood just few years ago. I think now I am more matured and has the capability as well as patience to nurture another human being who will depend entirely on me for existence, if that would ever happen.

My life is a constant evolution. I am different person from what I used to be 10 or even 5 years ago. I want to think that I change for the better (hopefully). So, wherever, life takes me, I hope to just go with the flow... It is easier that way.

It pours!

Rejection, no matter where it comes from, hurts like someone slapped you in the face. Despite my futile attempt to instill in my female brain not to personalize it, still, it found a way to ruin my day. Like a poisonous snake, it bit into my psyche and sent its thick fatal venom to my optimism.

This morning, I received a phone call from a patient of mine and was told these words: "You are good but I am requesting a change in therapist." My initial defensive reaction was anger. In my thought I blurted "Okay, fine. Good riddance." But this girl needs to be professional at all times (and it is quite a struggle in times like this), so, I, graciously, referred her to another therapist. I felt relieved but hurt by this unforseen rejection. This made me not trust my other patients. Though I am no virgin to this experience, it came as a blow to my professional self-esteem. I questioned my capability and skill. The fact is most patients are good people, and compliant because they want to be well. Many times, I received gratitudes for helping them in their recoveries. Unfortunately, those few rotten apples seem to spoil everything for me. I started to see the negative aspect of my job! Compassion fatigue officially sets in. I am tired of caring for people who don't deserve it! I am tired of kissing asses of patients, doctors, management people, etc! I am tired of dealing with Medicare! Tired of paperwork and endless driving!

Throughout the day, during idle moments, I thought of alternatives and ways to escape my predicament . Sadly, there is no better alternative for now. The economy is going for a waste basket. Everyone seems to be on edge due to this economic crisis. And I would hate to trek the uncertain rough road of employment seeking again, in which I'd been many times over. I am not naive; and I am aware that in healthcare, the situation like this morning happens frequently. As they say, "You cannot please everyone."

My outlook turned 180 degrees from last week. Then, despite the big sell-off in Wall Street, I felt lucky and grateful for having a good job that pays for my middle-class lifestyle. Today, it matches the weather -- dark, gloomy, and rainy. I feel trapped in a way. I have bills to pay and future to prepare for. How can I afford those expensive fertility treatments? How about a child? These thoughts make me insecure and almost scared to lose this job that I marginally loathe (for now). What should I do then?

But to wish for a better tomorrow.

Manic Tuesday?

Today is definitely not the worst day of my life but I think it is worth mentioning here just to capture a day of working in home health in Iowa, when things do not go your way.

I was sent to do an admission to a small town called Hartford, located about 20 miles south of Des Moines. It is mainly a farming community. The problem with small towns is that they usually do not have a detailed street map that you can buy. Maybe, if you go to the post office (if the town has one or if you can find it), you can find a map hanging on the wall. Anyway, usually, I use yahoo maps for direction but at times it is not accurate in some occasion like construction with detours or small rural towns. This time, it did not work for me.

I felt lucky at first because the road I was looking is off the main highway. My joy of finding it waned quickly when I found out that it is a dirt road. And dirt roads are super muddy when it is wet and rainy, like today! But it was too late when I learned of it.

I never been in a dirt road before, gravel road, yes, but not dirt road and there is a huge difference when it is wet and rainy --sticky, soft mud! The initial 300 to 500 feet of the road was gravel then it dips into a muddy, sticky dirt road. I was losing control of the wheel and finally after the initial downhill I was not moving at all because my tires got stuck in the mud. I, slowly, realized that I will not be able to trek this road. So, I turned and tried to returned to the main road. But it was not easy. There were ruts created by my tires. These long ruts made my car stuck in the middle of the road. I tried my darnedest to get out of it by stepping hard on my gas pedal and changing to lower gears. My engine started to emit light smoke like dry ice as it is working so hard. Small chunks of mud were flying everywhere and covered my car from top to bottom. After 15 minutes of trying and praying as well as bargaining to God that I will try to be a better person if He helps me out of this predicament, I finally got out of it. I felt so relieved, but shaken.

I took another road to get to my patient's house. Upon arriving, I told my patient and her family what happened to me. They were amused by my story and they told me that lots of people get stuck on that road. The city should place a warning sign not to use that road when wet. I was also informed that each car that got stuck there needed towing or assistance to get unstuck. When they learned that I unstuck myself, they were amazed and asked me if I have a 4-wheel-drive. When I told them that I have a compact sedan with front-wheel drive, they were more amazed. When asked how I did it, I answered "I bargained to God" because I am not really sure how I did it!