I tell people that I am a better visitor than host. I say that to be funny but it is not a joke.
I think the reason is that I have so much anxiety of trying to be the perfect host which is an unatainable quest. It is rooted from my childhood. My mother is very critical on people. When we visit relatives or friends, she usually criticizes their housekeeping skills. So, I thought growing up that people are like that when they visit you. They notice every imperfections.
Now that I'm an adult, I know better. But still, this anxiety of disappointing my visitors remains. I think this makes them uncomfortable with me, too.
In the Philippines, people are generally hospitable. Hospitality is good but if it sacrifices your sanity, your family's comfort and bank account, it is detrimental. I don't think visitors want that, too.
I seldom have visitors. Having get together in my house rarely happens. The main reason is that my house is a disaster. Benjamin ruined my furnitures, walls and floor. Also, I have a "no shoe policy" in my home but I am not assertive enough to enforce them at times. So, I usually end up shampooing the whole house after the party. It is exhausting just thinking about it...
My New Year's resolution is to learn how to be a graceful host. I think letting go of this idea of perfection is the first step....
