I should not be writing about this but...

I cannot help myself.

This is the longest job I ever held in my life.  I jumped from one company to another in my earlier days.  I got tired of it.  That's the primary reason that  keeps me in my current job.

Logic says it's time for a change  but I just don't have the gut.  I work so long in this job that the only people that I could use as references are my current co-workers and boss.  They will not be happy with me leaving.  I know because one of my co-workers decided to leave after having a baby, my boss is not really that thrilled.

Why do I want to change?

1.  I am exposed to second hand smoking from clients.
2.  This is not an 8 hour job.  We have so many charting that working until late at night is very common.
3.  Vulnerability.  We enter stranger's home.
4.  No assistance available when patient is heavy lift...
5.  Driving during winters....
6.  Patient has more control of their time.  Many do not want to be seen certain times...during Price is Right, The Young and the Restless, etc...
7.  The price of gas....and cars....

Well at least I have a job....and it pays pretty well....  Someday, there will come a job that will be worth the change...We'll see.  Or just wait for retirement...

This and That..

It's been a while since I posted.  Lots of things happened but I've been so busy with my work, garden and home stuff that I just don't have time to update this blog.  Writing in English is very taxing to me.  My grammar is not perfect and my words are limited.  Anyway, I will do my best on updating this blog.

First about my mother.  I haven't seen her for about 3 weeks now.  Benji now goes to daycare since March. It's been good so far.  My mother is tired of taking care of Benji.  I used her for Mondays only but she works evening shifts and sleeps late so she feels tired.  My mother is in her second childhood to say it kindly because I believe she has not left her childhood.   She stays really late at night because of internet dating.  She planned to meet her online  English boyfriend in London last April but  it did not happened although she had a ticket bought already.  She had  cold feet 5 days before the trip.  She told the boyfriend that she had heart attack (a lie) and this poor guy was unable to get his refund.  She also bought a ticket to go back to the Philippine for last March but her oath taking to get her citizenship certificate was postponed a month so she was not able to get her US passport before the trip.  

She never calls me unless she needs something.  I call her pretty often but I felt so unsatisfied with conversation.  We just don't have things to talk about, at least positively.  Usual conversations are pretty shallow and she hides a lot of things from me.  I am just too tired to care.   She treats her children who are here in the US as her enemies and her children in the Philippines as her allies. She causes division.   She is not capable of thinking critically or maternally and it is very frustrating.

So much for that.  We almost forgot our 13th year of wedding anniversary.  It's been 13 years!  I cannot believe it.  I told my husband,"Enough of this craziness!"  He just laughed.  I laughed too.  Marriage is such a strange thing.  Life will never be good without him...  

We are definitely going back to the Philippines at the end of August.  It is my 1st in 16 years and  my husband's first time ever...  For him, first time ever out of the country.  I am very excited.  In a way, I will be a tourist in my own country too.  We were too poor to travel when I was young so I haven't been on places that we are planning to go such as Boracay and Villa Escudero.  I am busy researching and booking for our hotels and activities.  We will only be staying for 7 days but I am really filling it up with activities.  My plan is to have a get-together one evening for friends, neighbors, relatives and families.  I sent people e-mail regarding their availability and recommendation but no one has responded yet.   Oh well, it's just my Americanization of planning ahead that gets me.

I admit I have some anxiety on going back, on dealing with Manila's crime and traffic.  I am anticipating some demands from my relatives too.  I have an image of us being held hostage or capsized and lost in the sea.  My husband insist of doing our will prior to our trip.  Yup, we need an Ativan.  But the big part of me is just  excited.  I asked my husband if he's excited, he said it hasn't sunk in yet.  Okay "sunk", "sunken", and "sank" are not allowed in our vocabulary until we're done with the trip. 

I just want to post a picture that makes me happy and strong....

Expectations

When I was pregnant with Benji, I had high expectations.  He'll be smart, good looking, talented, etc.  All these high expectations went to pot immediately after he was born.  It's been tough these past 3 years.  Surviving is sometimes the only goal.  Don't get me wrong Benji is adorable but he's been a difficult toddler.  Right now, the only 2 things I want him to accomplish in his life (and I'll be the happiest mother) are reading and potty training.  Yes, I am an easy-to-please mother. 

I just want to share this video from Storycorps.  I wish, someday, Benji and I will have a conversation like this.  This video makes me cry.

 

 

 

 

 

Anti-Americanism

How to respond to anti-American comment?

I have a client from a Middle East country (I don't want to be specific) that is considered friendly to the US.  My client cannot speak any English but his brother has been vocal with his opinion.  He told me that he is rooting for North Korea.  He loves Korea.  He added that if China, Korea, Vietnam and all the Arab countries will have an alliance, they could bring down the US.  He does not like the US.

I don't know how to respond to this.  I cannot even fake a smile at all.

It is a mystery for me that a person can live in a country that he hates.  He has a choice and could go back to where he came from but why stay when you hate it so much?

I feel opposite of what he feels.  I am grateful to be in this country.  It gave me opportunity to move up socially.  I feel more loyalty to my adoptive country than my country of origin.  Many Filipinos will hate me due to this admission but that's the truth.  I don't root for the Philippine delegate in Ms. Universe.  I don't really root for anyone.  My opinion is  the reason they get to top 5 in recent years is due to economic reason.  It is well known (now) that Ms. Universe is very popular in the Philippines.  When I was living in the Philippines, life stopped during the live airing of Ms. Universe.  Filipinos love beauty contest.  Since Mr. Trump took over the organization, Filipinos get top spots.  Why?  Mr. Trump is no dummy.  He knows his audience.  He knows that pleasing his audience will keep them on watching  I don't  mean that Filipino women don't deserve to be in the top spots but the recent surge to the top is suspicious.  

I digress.  And I don't know how to end this posting.  But I learned that anti-Americanism is rampant even in its own backyard.   

Late winter posting

Many things happened since my last posting....

I started a Master degree online but after 3 days I decided to withdraw because it was not as flexible as I thought it would be.   I am a college dropout now...

Benji started going to daycare 6 hours a day for four days a week.  It went better than we thought.  He cried the second day but he did well overall  considering it's his first daycare experience ever.

I still have  good days and bad days at work.  I increased my hours and almost full-time now.   I am holding on to this demanding and at times frustrating  job because I am tired of job hopping...  And I love my patients.

My husband and I are doing well right now.  I understand that marriage is not easy and we have to be patient with each other.

My mother... well lots of things happened to her too.  I'll post next time...

The most recent movie that I love is Like Crazy.  Here's the trailer...

I love it because it vividly portrays young love and how distance and time changed these lovers and in the end eroded the closeness and familiarity.  It stays with me for quite a while.  I'm a sucker for sad but realistic movies.  The lead actors are adorable.  Jennifer Lawrence who won this year Oscar's Best Actress played a supporting role here.  Okay, it reminds me of my real life romance (with my husband) without the distance and other lovers, just the drama, haha.

Anyway, I hope to post more frequently.  I am planning to enroll in English Composition class this summer to improve my writing.  Wish me luck!

Lif out of control

Too busy at work, lately...
Dispute with my mother....
Marriage is just spiraling down out of control...
Mother-in-law and I had big political debate that did not end so well...Why didn't  I just let go?
I would like to just jump on a plane and just start a new life... but my life is just rooted too deeply here..
Oh well, everything will be fine...hopefully soon....

Do not let  the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.  Dalai Lama