Motherhood after Infertility

The strange thing about motherhood after infertility is that when strangers asked how many kids I have, I automatically say "none". It is still strange to tell people I have a son; that I gave birth four months ago. It is just like living in a dream. It feels too good to be true.

Returning to work after almost a year of absence is not what I expected. People are really happy to have me back. Also, co-workers who co-existed with me are suddenly social and interested on what's going on in my life. Mainly, they are interested about the baby and how I'm coping. We finally have something in common. Business phone calls are extended with conversations of lactation and childcare. I must admit I like it and find it fascinating.

I don't have (yet) the heart to leave my son in a daycare, even if it is part of the hospital where we work. We admit that we tend to be over protective because of our infertility. We know that we have to let go someday. For now though, we feel that the best place for our baby is right here at home with at least one parent at all times. Retirement savings will be cut this year. Home remodeling and international travels will wait for few or several more years. There will be no new furnitures and gadgets. For now, our focus is giving our son the best childhood that we could afford.

Not content

I woke up this morning from dreaming that we were having our bathroom remodeled. I was amazed to wake up before the baby and I cannot go back to sleep. My thought went from my very realistic dream to realizing how dingy our kitchen is. I made a mental note on how we can improve the look and efficiency of it. But reality hits, we do not have the money and I don't want to take a loan for house remodeling -- at least not until I return to full-time job. Then, this afternoon, I watched the New Yankee Workshop. In that episode, Norm was finishing the cabinetry of a remodeled kitchen. It made me unhappy again with my kitchen.


I've been telling people that Benji will be my only child. I gave several reasons from financial to health reason. But deep inside, I desire for another child. I waver a lot on this issue. I know that if I want to have a second one, we have to act soon because of my fertility issue. I noticed that I bring this topic everyday to my husband in the last few weeks. We discussed the pros and cons. Financially, there are more cons. We would like to travel abroad someday and help Benji in his college education. These will be difficult if we have 2 children. But why do I have this nagging desire to have another child?



Anyway, to keep my mind from discontent I decided to learn how to make movie using my Flip Video Camera This is my 1st Benji Movie: