Breaking the Silence here...

I woke up too early yesterday morning after a restless night. Four times I got up to use the bathroom. Urinary frequency has not left me. Also, the unbearable heat of this summer affects my sleeping pattern. Anyway, the major reason I cannot sleep was my apprehension for my Level 2 Ultrasound. This is our second ultrasound with this pregnancy, in which the first one was back in March when we were 7 weeks pregnant. I had spotting then and the feeling of nervousness is still vivid in my memory. Even with expanding belly and fluttering sensation of fetal movements, I just cannot help myself but be worried. With 3 (possibly 4) miscarriages in my belt, who can blame me, right??

Anyway, everything went fine. It took about 50 minutes to finish the ultrasound. Every anatomy is intact. My baby has a 4 chambered beating heart which is really enough for my sense of peace (for now). The others such as 2 legs, 2 arms, brain, kidneys, stomach, good spine, and a penis are just added bonus for me.

Before I forgot, we are now in our 20th week. It is just a miracle to be this far...

Just want to share this from the book A Few Good Eggs by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan:

Ten Fears Pregnant Women with Infertility Complexes Have
1. Fear of losing your baby.
2. Fear of becoming attached to your unborn baby because you are afraid of fear #1.
3. Fear of telling people you are pregnant in case fear #1 comes true.
4. Fear of hearing the worst news possible at each doctor's appointment.
5. Fear the baby will be stillborn.
6. Fear that all your stress about possible harm to the baby is harming the baby.
7. Fear that every time you go to the toilet, you will find blood in your panties.
8. Fear that each pain in your abdominal area is disaster waiting to happen.
9. Fear that everyone else who knows you thinks you're crazy.
10. Fear that you will not be able to stand the pressure of the next nine months.

In addition to these "fears", I am afraid that every wrong twists and turns or even improper lifting will cause the placenta to dislodge. But as my friend said, it is out of my control. The only things I can control right now are my diet, level of stress and rest time.

I decided (apprehensively) to divulge my condition now because 1. we are halfway in our pregnancy, and 2. if ever something happens, that I would be writing it in this blog anyway.

Nine Years and Counting

It's been nine years since we tied the knot. Time flies like an impatient tourist. Many things changed. We lost our innocence. Our old friends have new stories about parenthood. Yet, in our world, it remains just the two of us.

We like to think that we changed for the better. Gone are rose colored glasses. To be un-assuming is our new philosophy. Yet, we found more love and patience with each other. I think infertility made our marriage stronger. We are together not for a child, but for each other. I never felt so loved.

I will not change anything at all. I love this life with its heartaches and complications. I cannot imagine going through this journey without him...