Mommy's letter

I am now in my 38th week of pregnancy. It will not be long and you will be out of my tummy. I am excited to see you. I have been waiting for you for a long time. You are my miracle baby. Pregnancy has not been easy due to my history of multiple pregnancy losses. Initially, I tried not to get attached to my pregnancy to protect myself from pain. The first trimester of my pregnancy was really tough due to my bad morning sickness but I treasured those nausea and vomiting because I knew that the sicker I get the healthier you become. As my belly grows, the more confident I get that you will make it. We waited to buy clothes and gears because of the lingering fear. It even took us a while to get the bassinet and stroller out of the box. Those movements of yours are re-assuring me and your daddy that you are okay. As the weeks go by, the more excited we get.

Now, I am starting to enjoy my pregnancy. Your daddy, Jason, is also very excited. I can sense it in the way he talks to you inside my belly. You are starting to respond to his voice by kicks and jabs. It is such a good feeling to feel you move, baby.

We just installed your car seat. I think we are ready for your arrival. All the baby clothes and diapers are washed. The bags are packed. The carpet in the house are shampooed. The only thing I need to work out, I think, is my own heart and mind. I would like to be a good mom. I promise to protect and love you, baby. Yet, I have this issue I need to work through -- that's forgiveness. I need to forgive myself and my parents. It is hard to come. I think it is the hormone causing this dark emotion of overwhelming anger. The more I demand an apology, the more elusive it comes by. I just have this epiphany that I should give this forgiveness no matter what, so, I can be freed from this dark emotion. That way I can give my love to you uncontaminated by this darkness. I would like to be the happy mom, baby.

I promise to do my best to prepare you for this world. It is not easy but I think it would be an adventure. I thank God for choosing us to be your parents. There are many things for us to learn and literature to read about child rearing. It is overwhelming at times but I know it is worth it, so, you will grow up happy and well-adjusted. We are excitedly waiting for the new chapter of our life -- together.


Mommy

37th week (Baby Shower)

I'm so touched by people who tirelessly support me through this pregnancy. My former co-workers from Mercy (yes, I'm officially jobless since middle of September) had planned this get together in a restaurant located in our town. I, honestly, expected fewer turn out because most people live on the west side of Des Moines (we're on the east side) and it was Sunday evening when most working people would like to unwind. I was pleasantly surprised to see more (than expected) familiar faces I haven't seen for months. Everyone is just rooting for me and my baby.









My Mercy family

Hubby and I

35th week.

it's sunday.

yesterday, emergency hospital visit.

another bout of spotting.

found to have contraction. was given terbutaline and iv fluids.

poked several times. lost of modesty.

otherwise, everything is fine.