More on Story Corps

T.V. and radio are my companions during my long nights of finishing  work....  I mostly tune in to PBS or NPR.  I am not a music person.  I am more of a talk radio kind-of-gal.   So, one time I heard this story about an old man telling a story about killing a German soldier during World War 2, and how it haunted him for the rest of his life.  Then, I saw the animated short in TV.  I dont know why it became my favorite...

I love Story Corps.  Since this is Valentine's Day, I would like to share this post.

Mild Winter Day

It is a record warm winter.  It got to almost 60 degrees here.  To the library we went...

 Benji participating more in library activity this winter where he meets new friends. 

 But he prefers to be outside today...

 Pure joy at the park, in February?

Warm enough to share milk shake!

Missing him...

It's been almost 2 mos. since my father passed away.  I still miss him.  I still feel guilty because I could not care for him as much.  I was too busy with my life.  I thought I still had time.   I never thought his passing would be swift.  I thought we had more time than that.    I just applied for my FMLA leave the day before he passed.  I was hoping that he would somehow make it to Christmas 2011.  I think he believed he would make it to Christmas too.  I am haunted by the look in his eyes the last time he was conscious.  His pupils were dilated from anxiety.  He was fish out of water.   The hospice nurse (and I) believed he had a pulmonary embolism, which caused labored breathing and rapid decline. 

I feel tears swelling up my lower lids every time I pass their apartment and places that remind me of him.  My heart stops whenever my baby mentions the word "tatay," which he does every time we visit the apartment my father shared with my mother, who still lives there. 

My grief is still fresh and raw.

Our complex parent-child relationship is dysfunctional at best and hostile at its worst.  However, since Tatay passed, I remember the good times, the good Tatay (Filipino for father).  I think of his sacrifices and hard work so we could have a good education and life.  The thing that I will never forget is how his hands looked.  I remember his fingers getting crooked as he aged from arthritis and decades of menial jobs.    He told me to cut my homemade soap smaller as he had difficulty holding it.  When he died, that was the only part of his body that did not really change.  He lost a lot of weight.  His muscles atrophied.  His skin was discolored and pale.   He lost his hair.   But his hands remained the same, immortalizing in my memory his life of hard work and sacrifices for his family.

It is difficult to lose a parent, no matter how imperfect the relationship is.  I prefer him alive, and I know my life was better when he was just 11 miles away.  I love you, Tatay...  Thanks for everything.

P.S.  Despite the breathing difficulty at the end, my father passed away peacefully in Hospice.  He was given meds to slow down his breathing and relieve his pain and anxiety.

Sad Announcement

My father passed away peacefully in Mercy Hospice in Johnston  last December 7.  

He was diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma last June.  He undergone several chemotherapy and radiation therapy.  We were told in early November that his cancer was worst.  He was at home but for his final hours.  Although his passing was expected, his quiet presence is missed, especially this Holiday season...

Happy 2nd Birthday to the only baby who survived my "toxic womb."  I Love you Benji...  I still can't believe it... I could have just imagined you!

I Wish

I wish I could be a better mama for you...

You love your daddy.
You cry when he leaves...
You cry when you wake up and he's not at your side...
You look for him when you don't see him...
You cry for him even when I'm here, trying to console you...

I admit, my feeling is hurt...
My heart breaks when you stand by the door, your face against the glass  door with  fists banging  while  you scream "daddeee."  This happens each morning your daddy has to work.  You're never like that when I leave...

I admit I let you cry and don't give in to your demand for cookies and  skipping nap time...
I admit that there are times I just let you play by yourself when I'm busy with household chores...
I admit that I  force you to eat your veggies and fruits...

I admit, I've been so busy lately...
I admit to bringing my work home because my job can be demanding...and when you want my attention you would close my laptop and tell me "All done."  I think you're a very smart boy!  But then I would go back right away to work  and have your daddy distract you away from me because I have too much in my plate....
I am so sorry!  I promise tomorrow you will have my undivided attention...Did I say that before?  Oh, yeah...

They say this is  just a phase...
You'll grow out of it...
I hope they are right..
Because right now I feel pretty rotten...