Sunday, February 8, 2009

Spring Fever

I cannot believe we're already in February. Time seems to go faster when you're older. I am glad, though, that January is over. It was a tough month for me. Aside from 2 car accidents, my job is not going that great for me. I finally broke down and just cried my eyes out to my 2 co-workers then to my supervisor. They are very understanding and supportive. I attributed this heightened emotional instability to fertility drugs and hormones. I was advised to see a counselor. I did that but I continue to feel blah and empty. The counselor encouraged me to join a support group. I would check on that, soon. So, this month, I stopped taking Clomid and I feel like my old self, almost.

I know in my heart that I am not over my grief. It is grief from losing 3 pregnancies in the last 2 years. We tried to put on an I'm-okay-facade but deep inside we are left with this empty hole filled with aches and sorrow. And it does not take much to put me in that mood.

Early March of 2007, I found out I was pregnant. I had morning sickness during that pregnancy. At 12 weeks of that pregnancy, during my check-up, everything was okay. I thought I was safe but at 16 weeks check-up, they could not find any heartbeat. It was devastating to be so close to your wildest dream yet helplessly watching slipped away from you. And we are never the same again.

It is funny how your body plays tricks on you. It's been an abnormally warmer February. Temperature is spring-like and it was spring during my first trimester in that pregnancy and I feel the same thing right now-- morning sickness; and I am pretty sure I am not pregnant. It is just amazing how temperature like sense of smell brings back same old body emotions.

For now, we try to live life the best that we can.


joanne said...

I wish I had the words...

Let me just say how brave it is to lay out your heart like this.

Makis said...

I hope things are looking up on your side. And I know things always get better :) Remember that I'm just an email away if you needed to exorcise your emotions.