39

I turned 39 years old last Thursday  I was planning to celebrate it with a good steak but instead I had my first ever bought sushi.  Okay, not actually sushi with raw fish but with imitation crab instead.  They call it california rolls.   I still think it's an improvement in my part.  I am so proud of myself because I did not gag on the fishy taste of nori.  I hate fishy taste and smell. However, I admire non-Japanese sushi eaters.  I see them as sophisticated and worldly.  I'll work on the raw fish before I turned 50,  I promised myself.   I would like to vary my diet and train my taste bud.

My goal is to be more active physically and socially.  I am shaken by the mass shooting in an elementary school in Connecticut that happened last Friday.  I, initially,  thought of my niece because my sister and her family live in Connecticut and there are not  many towns in that State.  I called my sister immediately upon hearing the news and she told me it was a town nearby.  My sister is upset.  This tragedy happened too close to her home.  I bet everyone is shaken when very young children were slaughtered in the very place that you think they were safe.  The sad part is it happened too many times in this country.  I cannot sit and watch anymore.  I am planning to get involve with this issue -- Gun Control.  I am considering homeschooling or moving back to the Philippines once Benji starts school if nothing changes... 

Party pooper

I tell people that I am a better visitor than host.  I say that to be funny but it is not a joke. 
I think the reason is that I have so much anxiety of trying to be the perfect host which is an unatainable quest.     It is rooted from my childhood.  My mother is very critical on people.  When we visit relatives or friends, she usually criticizes their housekeeping skills.  So, I thought growing up that people are like that when they visit you.  They notice every imperfections. 

Now that I'm an adult, I know better.  But still, this anxiety of disappointing my visitors remains.  I think this makes them uncomfortable with me, too.

In the Philippines, people are generally hospitable.  Hospitality is good but if it sacrifices your sanity, your family's comfort and bank account, it is detrimental.  I don't think visitors want that, too. 

I seldom have visitors.   Having get together in my house rarely happens.  The main reason is that my house is a disaster.  Benjamin ruined my furnitures, walls and floor.  Also, I have a "no shoe policy" in my home but I am not assertive enough to enforce them at times.  So, I usually end up shampooing the whole house after the party.  It is exhausting just thinking about it...

My New Year's resolution is to learn how to be a graceful host.  I think letting go of  this idea of perfection is the first step....

Turning 3

Someone turned 3 last Friday....  Not an easy age, I heard. 

Remembering

I am not a Catholic but I was until I was 10 years old.  So, I am familiar with All Saint's Day and All Soul's Day stuff.  Until about last year, I was not a big Halloween or remembering-the-dead kind of person.  This year is different.  Death struck my immediate family late last year.  I have this delayed response to grief but it refused to wane.   Working in healthcare probably contributes to my non-waning grief.  I am reminded constantly of the suffering that my father went through.  Learning over the weekend that my former patient was transferred to hospice care was the blow for me.  She's one of my all-time favorite clients.  We enjoyed each other's company. I met her 4 years ago.  A feisty woman in her 80s, she fired her first P.T.   So my boss sent me to take over the job.  I admit I was hesitant and nervous.  I had this presumption that she's hard to please, that I need to tip-toe around her.  Her house is also out of my territory.  When she heard my voice on the phone, she admitted that she thought she was being punished.  She sarcastically thought "Great.  Now they sent me a foreigner!"  But we had a great time together.  I love her and she loved me.  We lost touch though because things happened in my life and she does not answer her phone calls.   I stopped twice in her house but there was  no answer on the door.   I thought of her once in a while and wondered if she's still alive.  I looked for her name in obituaries. 

So, today after work and driving my mother to Walmart, Benji and I went to visit her in the nursing home.  I was nervous and excited to see her again.    When I arrived in her darkened room, the first thing I noticed was that she has not changed.  She's probably thinner but she still looks defiant and alert.  The sad thing is she does not remember me.  I explained to her who I was and my husband.  But  nothing clicked in her brain.  All my excitement drained quickly. She told me that she just wants to sleep.   We left her room in a hurry to give her peace.  I felt  deep sorow as I closed her door.

A tiny tinged of relief also found its way as I trudged the long hallway.  I felt guilt not keeping in touch with her.  Now,  I realized why we drifted apart.   She's been tired for a long time.  She wants to be left alone. 

My father seems to be a daily visitor in my thoughts.  I don't dislike the visit.  It just makes me sad.  Sad that I did not do more to take care of him when he was sick.  Sad that our relationship was not ideal.  Sad that I cannot take back time to correct my wrong.   I constantly think of his sacrifices for us, and  his disappointments toward me. 

I would like to believe that my father is in a better place.  I hope that he knows that I am thinking about him.  I cannot light up a candle overnight like they do in  the Philippines but I am remembering just the same.  Happy All Soul's Day!

P.S.  I just want to share this video about a doctor who experienced afterlife while in coma...

Immigrant Experience

Few years back, I had an older Italian patient.  This nice lady immigrated in the United States in the 1950s when she was in her early 30s after marrying her Italian-American sweetheart.   Her accent is pretty thick but I can understand her fairly well.  She told me that she cannot stand people who does not understand her English.  She said that these people  don't listen.  She refuses to repeat for them what she just said. She just walks away and moves on..

4 Things

that made me mad today !

1.  over protective family members...
2.  prejudiced assumption that I live in an apartment...
3.  people who don't have any hearing problem but always seem not to understand my English!
4.  people who do not involve me in their conversation, probably thinking that my English is poor...or I cannot get what their talking about...

I hate to be an immigrant sometimes...

Ohhh Summer

It's been a busy summer.  We are busy remodeling a bathroom ourselves because we cannot afford a professional.  We do not have time either but it's easier to find time than money for now.  It is difficult and time consuming especially when you have a demanding work and active toddler.  The fact is it is not our first time doing bathroom remodelling.  We did it several years ago but it was not a good job.  So, more experienced this time, we thought it would be easier.  Wrong!  I promised myself that I would never tackle this kind of endeavour again for as long as I am sane.  However, we are getting good compliments from professionals, none the less, that we did a great tile work.  This made me smile...

Anyhow, despite the busy-ness and insanity,  we're still able to squeeze in some small trips.  We visited my sister in CT and strolled NYC.  I attended my college reunion in NJ.  We met with my husband's friends in Chicago.  We went to the State Fair twice.   Now, we are debating if we would go to Minneapolis or not.  I would like to go but the bathroom is still not done...

Oh well, I just want to share  my favorite photo of the season.

                                        while watching an evening parade in Pella, Iowa.