Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Mommy's letter

I am now in my 38th week of pregnancy. It will not be long and you will be out of my tummy. I am excited to see you. I have been waiting for you for a long time. You are my miracle baby. Pregnancy has not been easy due to my history of multiple pregnancy losses. Initially, I tried not to get attached to my pregnancy to protect myself from pain. The first trimester of my pregnancy was really tough due to my bad morning sickness but I treasured those nausea and vomiting because I knew that the sicker I get the healthier you become. As my belly grows, the more confident I get that you will make it. We waited to buy clothes and gears because of the lingering fear. It even took us a while to get the bassinet and stroller out of the box. Those movements of yours are re-assuring me and your daddy that you are okay. As the weeks go by, the more excited we get.

Now, I am starting to enjoy my pregnancy. Your daddy, Jason, is also very excited. I can sense it in the way he talks to you inside my belly. You are starting to respond to his voice by kicks and jabs. It is such a good feeling to feel you move, baby.

We just installed your car seat. I think we are ready for your arrival. All the baby clothes and diapers are washed. The bags are packed. The carpet in the house are shampooed. The only thing I need to work out, I think, is my own heart and mind. I would like to be a good mom. I promise to protect and love you, baby. Yet, I have this issue I need to work through -- that's forgiveness. I need to forgive myself and my parents. It is hard to come. I think it is the hormone causing this dark emotion of overwhelming anger. The more I demand an apology, the more elusive it comes by. I just have this epiphany that I should give this forgiveness no matter what, so, I can be freed from this dark emotion. That way I can give my love to you uncontaminated by this darkness. I would like to be the happy mom, baby.

I promise to do my best to prepare you for this world. It is not easy but I think it would be an adventure. I thank God for choosing us to be your parents. There are many things for us to learn and literature to read about child rearing. It is overwhelming at times but I know it is worth it, so, you will grow up happy and well-adjusted. We are excitedly waiting for the new chapter of our life -- together.



geri said...

Loraine, I got misty eyed reading your letter. I can relate to not getting too attached on the first few months. To those dark feelings and forgiveness, I didn't have those while I was pregnant but oh boy post-partum, it was a roller coaster. So be forewarned (and hubby too). Never, never hesitate to ask for help. Good luck and I am sooooooo excited for you. It gets better and better as the days go by! Kisses to the baby.

malor said...

Thank you Geri. My life is complicated and I don't know why it just comes out now that I am close to giving birth. I am bracing for the worst emotional roller coaster post-partum. I'm going to forewarned my husband.