Almost 10 weeks

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The new baby, Benji, certainly changed our family dynamics. The first night home was the most difficult. Benji did not sleep that first night and I was in pain from my C-section. Jason was left tending for both of us and I sensed some irritation due to fatigue and frustration. Fast forward to now, we got our routine down. I recovered from surgery. Benji is getting used to us and us to him. We are still learning. Two things are for sure -- we cannot imagine life without Benji and our priorities shifted. He has changed us, for the better or worst, I am not sure, yet.



However, whenever I see that smile, all the difficulties of parenthood just melts away. Now, only if he smiles more often than he cries, life would be perfect (just my wishful thinking).

Our Miracle

After 5 years of trying and 4 miscarriages, we finally got our miracle baby, Benjamin. Thanks for all the love, support and prayers.

P.S. More photos to come...

39th/40th week. Last prenatal post (hopefully)

I had my last prenatal check-up yesterday. Biophysical profile and non-stress test showed baby is doing just fine. However, despite the pressure in my pelvic floor and groin, I am not dilated yet. Nada. Zip. Not a squat. The doctor said that the baby is stuck higher in my pelvis. He estimated that the baby is now over 9 lbs. and cannot descend anymore. He could induce me and pump my vein with Pitocin but it would be a futile attempt. The best scenario with inducement is that my baby will be born with shoulder dystocia -- causing dislocated shoulder and/or fractured collar bone. It is inevitable that I would undergo C-section due to my small pelvis and gestational diabetes causing baby to be large. I did not need too much convincing. I am ready to get this boy out. The soreness in my groin is becoming too unbearable that I need assistance to initiate walking. I am scheduled to have C-section this coming Monday, Nov. 9, at 1245 PM, unless I start laboring before that.

So, I will be out of commission for few days. Thanks for all the support and sharing. You made my 9 1/2 months passed so much quicker.

39th week

Throughout my pregnancy (so far), I complained and I bitched (sorry for my French) about every little things. Well, this week I entered a new level of pregnancy experience -- false labor. It started Friday but it was not that bad. By Saturday evening, the pain or soreness in my lower abdomen at times becomes unbearable. It progressed to the sides and upper part of my uterus, but no back pain. Getting up from chair and walking become dreaded chores. My husband does not want me using the stair when he's not home for fear of a fall. I did not want to call the OB-Gyn last weekend because the baby is moving just fine (and I do not want to end up to the emergency department again). I called a friend then my sister to ask them on their labor experiences. Both have different experiences than mine. The pain and contraction dissipate with positional changes. I was able to have a goodnight sleep, believe it or not, that Saturday night possibly due to exhaustion from soreness, overflowing toilet and worrying. I talked to the nurse this morning and she said that I am having false labor and unfortunately could go on for days....No one told me that false labor can be this painful . I cannot wait for the L & D day....

Upadate: Baby boy is about 8.5 lbs as of last Wed.
To pass time: I am listening to chick flick Summer Affair (hope it's good) , reading Oprah magazine, and catching up with This American Life podcast.

Mommy's letter

I am now in my 38th week of pregnancy. It will not be long and you will be out of my tummy. I am excited to see you. I have been waiting for you for a long time. You are my miracle baby. Pregnancy has not been easy due to my history of multiple pregnancy losses. Initially, I tried not to get attached to my pregnancy to protect myself from pain. The first trimester of my pregnancy was really tough due to my bad morning sickness but I treasured those nausea and vomiting because I knew that the sicker I get the healthier you become. As my belly grows, the more confident I get that you will make it. We waited to buy clothes and gears because of the lingering fear. It even took us a while to get the bassinet and stroller out of the box. Those movements of yours are re-assuring me and your daddy that you are okay. As the weeks go by, the more excited we get.

Now, I am starting to enjoy my pregnancy. Your daddy, Jason, is also very excited. I can sense it in the way he talks to you inside my belly. You are starting to respond to his voice by kicks and jabs. It is such a good feeling to feel you move, baby.

We just installed your car seat. I think we are ready for your arrival. All the baby clothes and diapers are washed. The bags are packed. The carpet in the house are shampooed. The only thing I need to work out, I think, is my own heart and mind. I would like to be a good mom. I promise to protect and love you, baby. Yet, I have this issue I need to work through -- that's forgiveness. I need to forgive myself and my parents. It is hard to come. I think it is the hormone causing this dark emotion of overwhelming anger. The more I demand an apology, the more elusive it comes by. I just have this epiphany that I should give this forgiveness no matter what, so, I can be freed from this dark emotion. That way I can give my love to you uncontaminated by this darkness. I would like to be the happy mom, baby.

I promise to do my best to prepare you for this world. It is not easy but I think it would be an adventure. I thank God for choosing us to be your parents. There are many things for us to learn and literature to read about child rearing. It is overwhelming at times but I know it is worth it, so, you will grow up happy and well-adjusted. We are excitedly waiting for the new chapter of our life -- together.


Mommy

37th week (Baby Shower)

I'm so touched by people who tirelessly support me through this pregnancy. My former co-workers from Mercy (yes, I'm officially jobless since middle of September) had planned this get together in a restaurant located in our town. I, honestly, expected fewer turn out because most people live on the west side of Des Moines (we're on the east side) and it was Sunday evening when most working people would like to unwind. I was pleasantly surprised to see more (than expected) familiar faces I haven't seen for months. Everyone is just rooting for me and my baby.









My Mercy family

Hubby and I

35th week.

it's sunday.

yesterday, emergency hospital visit.

another bout of spotting.

found to have contraction. was given terbutaline and iv fluids.

poked several times. lost of modesty.

otherwise, everything is fine.